Mistake

Well, I've been fasting for 2 days & praying, reading His word, & taking more time to be with Him in silence, etc.. I was definatly wrong by telling Tony I didn't want him to come back. The previous week $ a half before I said that to him, I hadn't been as close to the Lord as I usually am.. I had been being rude to Tony here & there, I basically demanded commitment from him after he already shared that he's not there yet, I was trying to play guilt trips every time he chose to be with his friends instead of be with us for the kids bedtime, the list goes on..
I look back & realize the enemy had such a hold on my thoughts. I was constantly convincing myself that I deserve better, he needs to do this or stop doing that in order for me to be happy, & just thinking about all the things bad about him & our situation.. So the day after I told him to not come back, I've been really seeking the Lord.. I feel that this happened so I could see my own heart & grow.. I was very blind.. I was completely convinced that being all sad & disappointed when he leaves, asking for commitment more than once, being disrespectful during a couple of our arguments, & all else was completely ok.. I'm so thankful that the Lord loves us SO much to teach, guide, give wisdom, & help us grow & move forward! I was getting comfortable with Tony being home.. I was idolizing him again!! How dare I!?! After all that the Lord has done for me & taught me?!? So thankful for grace!!!! I love Jesus so much!!! I just need to focus & keep full focus on my Lord & Savior & not set my treasure on anything on this world! Keep focusing on how I can grow through each situation placed before me, & NOT I can help to change Tony!!!
It's literally so bizarre to me that I was in that place, even believing kicking him out was ok!!!!! This IS NOT the Lords plan for me & Tony! I am to stand firm, submit, love, & grow closer & closer & deeper & deeper with Jesus so His light can naturally shine through me without me even trying!!! Tony believes God rejects him, & that he's too messed up for His love...why would I think kicking him out would do anything but prove that to be right!? I've watched with my own eyes how focusing on my realationship with God & just encouraging Tony has moved mountains within him... Then I get comfortable, lazy, stop genuinely seeking the Lord as much, & the reap the fruits of that... So thankful for this revelation today & just thought I'd update & share with you all!
Hope everyone's doing well