I don't know if I can continue...

Adrienne, I know the pain you are feeling....its despair, anger, uncertainty....all rolled up together. I remember early months of my separation thinking I couldn't continue because it was just too hard. I also remember reading posts on RMM of standers 3 and 4 years in...and thinking...no WAY could I go that long. Well, here I am...4 years this week by the grace of God. It hasn't been my works , but a true reliance on the Lord every day.

I watched War Room in those first 4 months and was so moved that I created a prayer closet. I would rise early (the bible talks about that) with my coffee, my bible, a notepad, pen and lots of Kleenex. The prayer room was a way to give God my first every day. I dont use it so much now, because I have learned how to do that without the room. It is still there with all my prayers and inspirations on the wall. I learned that every day is a new day to start over and by God's grace he forgives me and allows that.

We all know how weary you are...but keep looking up, not around at your circumstances.
God equipped you years ago for this. Its all about surrender. Be the light that your G needs.

Adrienne - I understand exactly how you feel. When David first left, just disappeared out of our lives without much conversation, it left me and our children in a state of limbo. After a while, I remember thinking it would probably be better to just divorce and have some closure than to continue on the path of not knowing where we were heading. I was officially standing, and never acted on my thoughts, but I think God used that time to prepare me for what was coming. After 3 years when the OW came to light and David suddenly filed for divorce, I was blindsided - but God wasn’t and he had worked on me without me even realizing it, so that I didn’t react like a crazed lunatic (like I would have 3 years earlier LOL). I don’t know what God’s plans are for you or how this will all play out. But I do know that the God who created this entire universe - in all its glory and splendor, has a plan for you & G. And I know His plan is for Good - and He will never leave or forsake you. I know He is working everything out for you at this very moment. And when the time comes to act - whichever way He wants - you will know it. And, if G does something on his own, that was not in God’s plan, He will not be caught off guard. He knows ALL - and He will protect and provide for you! My prayers are with you!

Thanks again, y'all, for your continued prayers. I saw your posts a little while back, but wasn't sure how to respond. I have been really struggling and not sure what to think about any of this.

P, thanks for sharing your experience. I can really identify with the early feelings you are expressing - feeling like I'm in limbo and just wanting closure. Thanks also for the encouragement; it is good to have reminders that our God is so GOOD and He only has good plans for us. I am still in doubt over what to do, what the right choice is. More and more I feel like our path is leading to divorce... which makes me so incredibly sad. That leads to something I wanted to say in response to Sharon...

Sharon, thanks also to you for praying and sharing some thoughts and encouragement. I guess where I often doubt is over that "promise." Sometimes I wonder if I really received a promise from God that He would restore our marriage, or if it was wishful thinking... maybe the enemy is attacking me in that place of vulnerability and feeding into my doubts... It has been 5 years now since G left the church and a little over 5 since his affair started. I remember that night that I found out about the affair, just this conviction on my heart that I should stay, rather than making the decision to get divorced on the spot. That conviction has taken me down a long road of standing! I don't know anymore what is right. I have been trying to pray about it but I am still in so much doubt.

Right now, G is still living at home but he is in the midst of plans to move out by the end of this month. After he went and made the arrangements to move in with his uncle, he came back and we were talking about it. He told me he feels like he is going backwards and that it just feels really disturbing. I told him right then that I would still be willing to try and make it work together, if he would agree to actively work on improving our marriage by seeing a counselor, etc. And all he said was thank you. And then continued talking about his plans to move out. That lack of a response just hit me hard... I feel like during this "trial separation" (even though we haven't been living apart... just in separate bedrooms and gradually distancing ourselves), he has just been moving further and further away and thinking about a future without me, rather than thinking about how to possibly restore the marriage. He has gotten excited about business plans back in his home country and has been pouring all his energy into that... I think in many senses as a way of distracting himself from our marriage stuff. I just don't see a way forward together when he doesn't seem to even really think of that as a possibility. Although I do know that where we see no way God can make a way... I guess I just feel hopeless and that is making it hard to continue to stand with hope for the possibility of a restoration that I don't even feel sure anymore that God promised me...

Reread this today after service and I think it comes off more like I have given up, and that's not the case. I still have hope in God's restoration of my marriage, I am just trying to not let that be my primary focus... As tends to happen way too easily for me.

I trust in God either way and hope for restoration. Just wanted to clarify that after my re-read.