Post by Adrienne on May 30, 2018 12:09:49 GMT -5
Hello, friends. Long time no see.
It's been a hard spring. Some of you may remember that over the winter things got very intense again between me and G. There were a lot of divorce threats flying around but I was still clinging to hope. Over the course of the spring, I was so busy that I turned away from God, and became numb to my marriage. I invested instead in school, in housework, in my family - anything to distract me from the hard stuff: putting the work in to relate to God, and dealing with the problems in my marriage.
Academically, it's been one of the most frustrating years I've endured: I've been pressed to the limit as a teacher, and I'm not advancing on my dissertation like I need to be. Then, several weeks ago, I learned that my alcoholic father - who had been in recovery for the past few years - has started heavily drinking again and is adamantly refusing any attempts (by his wife, my stepmother) to seek help. Then, my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer. She's got a good prognosis, but it's still cancer. In the past couple of weeks, she's undergone two lumpectomies. And now, G has jumped onto another get-rich-quick pyramid scheme sales thing, and is totally obsessed with this cult-like business.
I feel beat down, overwhelmed, confused, lost. I'm worried about my academic future - about finishing my dissertation, about preparing to go on the challenging academic job market. I'm worried about my family but feel helpless to do anything to change my parents' situations. And I'm worried about what G is getting himself into but feel like I can't say anything because he gets so defensive - we have already had arguments because "I'm not being supportive and excited enough about the opportunity." He's already lost money and so much time on two similar endeavors, so it's hard to get hyped up about what I see as his misplaced ambition. We also had a conversation yesterday - during a fight about this business thing - about how he doesn't feel any empathy for people. He doesn't understand sadness. He always asks me "Why are you crying?" when I feel it should be obvious... I mean honestly, you just said that you wish I were totally different from what I'm like, and you don't get why that upsets me? And I wonder sometimes if this is really the right future for me. I know God can change anyone. But I am married to a man that does not want to change, that doesn't see anything wrong, and who I don't feel like I can "handle."
I know I need God, but He feels so far away. I feel like I'm trapped in this bubble that keeps getting bombarded, and I'm surrounded by all the shards of the bombs going off in my life, and I don't know how to get out or at least, stop the bombs from raining down. Like I said, I know I need God, but it almost feels like all this stuff is a huge wall that stands between me and Him.
It's been a hard spring. Some of you may remember that over the winter things got very intense again between me and G. There were a lot of divorce threats flying around but I was still clinging to hope. Over the course of the spring, I was so busy that I turned away from God, and became numb to my marriage. I invested instead in school, in housework, in my family - anything to distract me from the hard stuff: putting the work in to relate to God, and dealing with the problems in my marriage.
Academically, it's been one of the most frustrating years I've endured: I've been pressed to the limit as a teacher, and I'm not advancing on my dissertation like I need to be. Then, several weeks ago, I learned that my alcoholic father - who had been in recovery for the past few years - has started heavily drinking again and is adamantly refusing any attempts (by his wife, my stepmother) to seek help. Then, my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer. She's got a good prognosis, but it's still cancer. In the past couple of weeks, she's undergone two lumpectomies. And now, G has jumped onto another get-rich-quick pyramid scheme sales thing, and is totally obsessed with this cult-like business.
I feel beat down, overwhelmed, confused, lost. I'm worried about my academic future - about finishing my dissertation, about preparing to go on the challenging academic job market. I'm worried about my family but feel helpless to do anything to change my parents' situations. And I'm worried about what G is getting himself into but feel like I can't say anything because he gets so defensive - we have already had arguments because "I'm not being supportive and excited enough about the opportunity." He's already lost money and so much time on two similar endeavors, so it's hard to get hyped up about what I see as his misplaced ambition. We also had a conversation yesterday - during a fight about this business thing - about how he doesn't feel any empathy for people. He doesn't understand sadness. He always asks me "Why are you crying?" when I feel it should be obvious... I mean honestly, you just said that you wish I were totally different from what I'm like, and you don't get why that upsets me? And I wonder sometimes if this is really the right future for me. I know God can change anyone. But I am married to a man that does not want to change, that doesn't see anything wrong, and who I don't feel like I can "handle."
I know I need God, but He feels so far away. I feel like I'm trapped in this bubble that keeps getting bombarded, and I'm surrounded by all the shards of the bombs going off in my life, and I don't know how to get out or at least, stop the bombs from raining down. Like I said, I know I need God, but it almost feels like all this stuff is a huge wall that stands between me and Him.
