My last night as a married woman

I sent a last email to Chris yesterday. I felt strongly God putting it on my heart and giving me all the words. I said what he told me to say. I asked him to only read the email when his heart was soft for me. That the letter was intended for that man inside of him who loved me. I told him I love him, that I would never hate him. God reminder me of many memories that I reminded him of over the years. The things that I loved about those moments. I told him that I would forget the tears and heartache. That I would forget who he is now and I would always remember him as the man I loved, who loved me. Somehow, Chris texted me today. I don’t understand it. He has been hateful, hard hearted, and mean. He has been cruel, going out of his way to tell me about his girlfriend and the excursions they have, how she cooks for him and sleeps in his bed. She has practically moved in. He has these horrifically cruel moments of pure hatred for me. But after that email he texted me. “This keeps getting more complicated” I asked “what?” He says “your email” I prayed immediately. What should I say God?! My opportunity! My chance! And God told me “Be still”. So I answered “yeah”. And that was the end of the conversation. I know....ridiculous right how much this conversation meant to me? But he is hard hearted, cruel. He hates me. To his core. But somewhere in there, God is doing something. God is moving his heart slightly.

Our court date is tomorrow. There is no escaping this. After tomorrow, we won’t be married anymore. And God has already begun pouring out blessing over me. I got 3 bookings for my vacation rental today...yeah 3 in one day! Insane!!! I had so many friends text me out of the blue with verses and prayers. Amen thank you Jesus. And God gave me that pearl of hope. Which I am cherishing dearly. Guys, I know this divorce will happen. It is for my and my kids protection. God is moving and working.

Sharon, I totally agree with Pat. It's not hatred; it's his anger and guilt that he doesn't know how to handle. It's easier to lash out than it is to look inward, especially when you're under the heavy weight of conviction. I also agree that sometimes thinks need to break completely. I always remember the example of Lazarus in the Gospels. He needed to die - and his body even needed to begin to decay - before it was the right time for Jesus to raise him from the dead. This "resurrection" thing is not sometime that only happens to our divine savior - it is something that He works in the lives of those He loves and who love Him. "Then Jesus said, 'Did I not tell you that if you believe, you will see the glory of God?'"

We have to believe. It's hard. It's against our every human instinct to trust that much. But we have a God who is well worth it.

I'll be praying for you extra today, Sharon.

The YouVersion verse of the day is appropriate: "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” (Joshua 1:9).

Lord I lift my Sister Sharon up to You. I know the pain that she is going through right now. I know she is hurting and needs You to put Your loving arms around her and fill her with the peace that only you can give. Lord protect her from her fears and insecurities and fill her with Your love. Strengthen her with your truth and your wisdom. Reveal Yourself to her. Protect her and her children. Lord continue to call out to Chris and draw him close to You. Reveal yourself to him. Convict him and bring him to his knees so that he has no where to look but up - to You. Lord, Your Word says that you will leave 99 sheep to go rescue the 1 lost sheep. We ask you to rescue your lost sheep, Chris. I ask these things in the precious name of Jesus Christ. Amen

Hey guys. I am sorry I haven’t updated. I was trying to process everything that happened and it’s taken me a while here. The divorce did not go through and I had to schedule the next final hearing for March 5th. Chris didn’t show up as expected. I apologized to the judge on his behalf and explained about waiving spousal and child support. In the end of it all, the judge could tell that Chris and I are both trying to be cordial about things but he said that he needs to award some support for the kids and wanted to make it $1000/month. Obviously, Chris and I needed to discuss that and since Chris wasn’t there, it caused problems. The judge extended the hearing date out so we will go back March 5th. Chris and I talked afterwards. He was so angry. Saying he got raked over the coals and the dad always gets screwed (which is not true...he is not a custodial parent which is really where he’s feeling the heat. Nothing to do with dad vs mom). He was mad and blaming me although I did what I could to make it fair (to the point that the judge felt it was his responsibility to defend me and the kids). Chris even started to say “can’t we just stop the divorce?” And I said “what and go to marriage counseling?” He says “no, just stay separated”. I told him no absolutely not. That I won’t do this anymore. Either we are working on our marriage or we are divorced. We’re not going to be separated so he can screw whoever he wants guilt free and I can’t even date because I am still committed in a vow to him. He didn’t like that answer, but I am sorry. No...he wants to stay as is so he can keep all his money and keep running his girlfriend around on vacations and to bars and having fun while the kids and I scrape by per usual and I don’t even care about the money. He could go away and take all of his money and it wouldn’t mean a thing to me. But I can’t be married to him anymore if he is still having affairs. This isn’t right. God has to break him and he is going to start reaping his harvest after the divorce is final. I know I sound angry here, but I am tired. I am so tired of feeling abused like this. He is divorced for his girlfriends sake and married for mine because his girlfriend doesn’t want to date a married man and being divorced from me would cause him financial strain. I was praying about what to do after the whole thing. And a few days later, God spoke to me about it. Y’all know I’m renting out my house for vacation rentals and I felt very strongly that God was calling me to out the whole amount from my first rental into tithe at my church. $1,220 is a lot of money and y’all know I been struggling financially since Chris left, but God kept pressing me, so I did it. I heard God telling me right after I did that though that He considered this 10% and that he would give me 100x back what I put in. That’s $12,200...no way. That’s a lot of money. Well guys, God reminded me of that when I was praying for the child support situation and I looked at the numbers and realized this child support is going to come out to $12,600/year. He is good and his blessings are good. We will see what happens March 5th. Chris was talking about rescheduling it, but knowing him, he is going to wait to the last minute or not do it at all. We will see. I’ll keep y’all updated

Pat thank you! I’m so relieved to hear your opinion on it. Y’all know how I am. I care deeply about Chris, but this is probably me being selfishly defensive. I don’t want him to have anything to hold over me. If I am being honest though with myself, I know that Chris will make up things to blame me for if he has to and I know that God doesn’t want me to keep cushioning Chris. He wants me to let the man fall hard on his own consequences. I am stepping back and out of the way and God’s will be done. I hope that Chris leaves the court date where it is and I hope that he doesn’t show up. Not for the money’s sake, but for Chris reaping what he has sowed. But God’s will be done in all of it. I am out of the way. I can actually say that with confidence for the first time ever. I am putting this fully in God’s hands and letting him deal with the man. Whatever happens, God is in control.