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Post by Adrienne on Jan 10, 2018 23:45:05 GMT -5
Another stupid fight. Another divorce threat. He says he doesn't think our relationship will ever be any better than this. That we may as well end it now instead of suffering and then me blaming him for wasting my life with him later.
I want to respond and say screw it, fine, I'm done.
But every time I think: But God...
He says he is sick of fighting but he's not willing to change. I said I wanted us to develop more interest in each other's lives and he said he doesn't see the point. I asked him if we could do therapy or even the Love Dare together and he said no, and refused to explain.
I'm so tired of fighting by myself on this. I'm so tired of him seeming not to even care. I know I'm tired and desperate because I'm not leaning on God, but guys, I'm at the end of my rope. I hate this...
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Post by Adrienne on Jan 11, 2018 11:19:49 GMT -5
We talked more last night after he calmed down and he says he wants to stay together but he's so sick of the conflict. I asked him again why he won't do the Love Dare together and he says he thinks it would be artificial and he would just be doing stuff because the book told him to. He says he hates anyone telling him what to do. I see so much pride in him, and I know we have to be humble to submit to God's instruction.
I am, looking back on last night, pleased that he listened to me somewhat. He told me that I'm smart and I should really think things through and reason through it: that if I looked at it rationally, I would know the right thing is divorce. And I started talking to him about God. I told him, "Why would I count on my own ability to reason, when God's word says differently? When God's word says people can change, relationships can change, that He has good plans for those who love Him? Whatever my own reason says, how can I not submit to God's will as superior?" That's when he finally broke the distance between us and hugged me and said we could stay together "until God said we shouldn't anymore."
There are cracks of light in the darkness. Moments when I know he is paying attention to God. But overall his heart is so very hard, he is so stubborn, and we are so different that it is hard. I'm ready for a breakthrough, I'm ready for some relief... today I am feeling overwhelmed and tired, and I know I can't continue like this. I need to really surrender this to God and lean on Him, but it seems like every single time I just pick it up again.
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Post by Eric W. on Jan 11, 2018 21:40:19 GMT -5
We talked more last night after he calmed down and he says he wants to stay together but he's so sick of the conflict. I asked him again why he won't do the Love Dare together and he says he thinks it would be artificial and he would just be doing stuff because the book told him to. He says he hates anyone telling him what to do. I see so much pride in him, and I know we have to be humble to submit to God's instruction. I am, looking back on last night, pleased that he listened to me somewhat. He told me that I'm smart and I should really think things through and reason through it: that if I looked at it rationally, I would know the right thing is divorce. And I started talking to him about God. I told him, "Why would I count on my own ability to reason, when God's word says differently? When God's word says people can change, relationships can change, that He has good plans for those who love Him? Whatever my own reason says, how can I not submit to God's will as superior?" That's when he finally broke the distance between us and hugged me and said we could stay together "until God said we shouldn't anymore." There are cracks of light in the darkness. Moments when I know he is paying attention to God. But overall his heart is so very hard, he is so stubborn, and we are so different that it is hard. I'm ready for a breakthrough, I'm ready for some relief... today I am feeling overwhelmed and tired, and I know I can't continue like this. I need to really surrender this to God and lean on Him, but it seems like every single time I just pick it up again. I know for me, that is one of my struggles. How much is letting go and giving it to God, and how much is me just not wanting conflict. How much is me not wanting to wallow in the past, vs how much is me wanting to control the now. Sister, reading this today, I can hear the hurt, and the struggle in your words, but I can also hear the faith, and the certainty that you are on the correct path. Matthew 7:13-14 13 Enter ye in at the strait gate: for wide is the gate and broad is the way, that leadeth to destruction and many there be which go in thereat: 14 Because strait is the gate, and narrow is the way, which leadeth unto life, and few there be that find it. This path we have been called to isn't broad and smooth. It isn't for the faint of heart, not the weak in faith. I believe that is what happened in my previous marriages. That when I was at that critical point that I didn't have enough faith to trust God with it. My lack, prevented him from calling me to this path then. I can read it in your words, that you are weary and heavy laden, but you trust and know that God has a better plan for you than where you are now. I can see the steps forward your husband is making. Slowly maybe, but you don't polish a diamond quickly or you risk shattering the whole piece. Continue to have faith in your husband and more importantly in our God. |
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Post by tkk2 on Jan 12, 2018 5:05:18 GMT -5
Adrienne, like Eric said, your words convey so much. I know you are tired....but the battle is still being fought. Pray that the Lord will guide your next step...maybe counseling, maybe a new church, maybe a new activity.
It's interesting to me that the bible often talks of the narrow road....which in my mind is on a flat expansive field. Yet we all are on the mountain , hills and valley's. I feel like this process for each of us has lots of valleys. We get stuck in our own and we are also thrown into our spouse's valleys also...its hard and it hurts.
Each of us standers has figured out how to surrender to God. We may not always get it right. The problem is our prodigals haven't figured it out yet. Or are unwilling to let God guide their footsteps. So they remain wandering in the valley. I encourage you to stay on the high road, towards the light. You can't change G, but your light can shine on him. Eventually he will come to his senses.
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Post by Sharon on Jan 12, 2018 12:58:52 GMT -5
I agree with TK...the point is not for you to change G. Only God can do that! You're not God and you will never be enough for G. There are God shaped holes in his heart, but until he submits himself and decides to give God a shot at it, he won't feel complete. And it's not your responsibility to fill those places in. The best thing you can do for him is pray for him. Maybe explain to him about how God is a necessity...this isn't religion it's relationship. But pray for him and then continue to pursue God. Harder and faster and steadier than ever before. In Uninvited, she said something about that...we get so busy rushing around with our cup to try to get it filled that not only do we spill what we have in it, but we rush past God who has the never ending stream of joy and the ability to fill us, and we only catch a few drops as we fly past him. The key is sitting down with him and lingering. Just resting for a time in His presence and letting Him fill us up. When we are full, we are living that day loved. And when we are secure in our love, we can then take our filled cup and pour out into others. If G could receive some of that Christlike love, maybe he would be more willing to come closer to the source with you. And then as God pours into you and your cup overflows, that overflow would pour into G and he would long more for the source and start seeking Him out on his own. Gods plan is never divorce sister and I know you know that, but you also need to know that you can't force Gods hand. Sitting back in prayer and trusting Him to lead your path will put you at peace. Remember Psalm 37:4 Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.
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Post by leanna72 on Jan 12, 2018 22:56:47 GMT -5
I'm so sorry to hear the pain you are feeling. I understand and I get there too. Some days I really look at it all and wonder if there will ever be a point in my marriage when there won't be a threat of divorce. Then I've started thinking that life isn't perfect and restoration may not be either. Still trying to wait and see what that looks like in my life. Something from RMM also comes to mind. A writing that Bob did... every time your prodigal unprovoked says they want to leave they are really trying to convince themselves because they thought about staying. Hang in there sister.
Hebrews 10:35-36New International Version (NIV)
35 So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded.
36 You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised.
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Post by Adrienne on Jan 15, 2018 13:23:32 GMT -5
Thank you everyone for your encouragement. I've been lying low and trying to just keep praying, and I feel strongly in my heart that this stand is the right thing to do and that I should continue. I know God has good plans for us, so I just need to remember to trust in that. And to look to Him more than to my husband. Thanks for your continued prayers, friends!
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