|
|
Post by Sharon on Dec 31, 2017 12:39:35 GMT -5
I want to give up. I know I won't. God has called me to this, so I will keep standing, but God I don't want to today. I hate him and I hate this stand. And I love him and I want I want I want. Take control God please.
He came over last night to open presents with the kids. I did get a gift certificate for him and he was surprised. He said we had decided not to do that. I had told him you don't buy gifts for your ex. So maybe that tells him where I am. I am trying to be loving. At some point he told me he went on a date with a girl last night. He was texting her often in the evening. I was kind and gracious. Not judgmental or mean. Just kind and loving. I even prayed with him before he left. My heart is broken, but it's still pouring Gods grace and love.
I know that whatever relationship he enjoys will be brief. He is a cheater. No woman wants a man like this. Yes, he's charismatic and wonderful at first. But just like the girl from Thailand, the initial spark fades and nothing sustains. I feel strongly God asking me to continue. To not pursue the divorce even though I feel trapped. I am married. I can't move on. I am stuck with a man who doesn't love me. This is so hard.
God I don't see worldly hope at all anymore. Help me to see your hope. Heavenly Hope. Help me to pursue, even if only on fumes. To move from strength to strength. There is an end to this valley somewhere. You will carry me through this. Rescue your son Jesus. Being him into your fold.
|
|
|
|
Post by Eric W. on Dec 31, 2017 14:05:33 GMT -5
I want to give up. I know I won't. God has called me to this, so I will keep standing, but God I don't want to today. I hate him and I hate this stand. And I love him and I want I want I want. Take control God please. He came over last night to open presents with the kids. I did get a gift certificate for him and he was surprised. He said we had decided not to do that. I had told him you don't buy gifts for your ex. So maybe that tells him where I am. I am trying to be loving. At some point he told me he went on a date with a girl last night. He was texting her often in the evening. I was kind and gracious. Not judgmental or mean. Just kind and loving. I even prayed with him before he left. My heart is broken, but it's still pouring Gods grace and love. I know that whatever relationship he enjoys will be brief. He is a cheater. No woman wants a man like this. Yes, he's charismatic and wonderful at first. But just like the girl from Thailand, the initial spark fades and nothing sustains. I feel strongly God asking me to continue. To not pursue the divorce even though I feel trapped. I am married. I can't move on. I am stuck with a man who doesn't love me. This is so hard. God I don't see worldly hope at all anymore. Help me to see your hope. Heavenly Hope. Help me to pursue, even if only on fumes. To move from strength to strength. There is an end to this valley somewhere. You will carry me through this. Rescue your son Jesus. Being him into your fold. This isn't an easy thing. Nothing God calls you to do is easy. If it was we as lazy humans would do it without God having to call us to it. The silver lining to that cloud is that while it is difficult, God is always willing and able to walk through it with us. Giving us strength, wisdom, peace, and comfort. Even in the times when we can't see it for ourselves. We get so close to our situation that we miss the forest for the trees! Know that I am praying with and for you sister. Phillipians 1:6 "Being confident of this very thing, that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ:" |
|
|
|
Post by Sharon on Jan 1, 2018 0:42:20 GMT -5
Brother you are right. And the enemy always attacks hardest those who have the greatest impact. I don't know what Gods doing, but He is definitely doing something! I am praying for you tonight too and especially you Eric I pray for often. You're on my heart brother. All of you guys.💕 Happy New Year. Lord, let this be a year of victories for all of us. Amen
|
|
|
|
Post by Adrienne on Jan 1, 2018 23:15:42 GMT -5
Sharon, I just saw this, and I want to respond properly, but I had a long day and am falling asleep on my feet. I will write you here tomorrow but just wanted to remind you in the meantime that you're not alone. We are all here praying with you. And God has a perfect plan for you, sister. Just remember to be still and lean on Him.
|
|
|
|
Post by Sharon on Jan 2, 2018 10:06:41 GMT -5
I spoke to one of my girlfriends from my divorce care class. She said that the way Chris is treating me is emotional abuse and he treats the kids the same way. Completely selfish and in no way loving. I realize I've been thinking of him as the man who he is supposed to be and blinding myself to the man he currently is. I can be loving to him, without being in love. I guess I'm trying different things to distract my mind. I've been chatting with a few guys. I'm not intending to date them, but it's been a welcome distraction...especially the conversations about God. I don't know if that's exactly the right way to go about severing this last heartstring, but I don't know what to do. I am asking God to guide me. Lord get in this boat with me and steer it. I don't want to take the wheel from your fully capable hands and put it in my incapable hands. I'm just afraid, sad, lonely. I know you are sufficient, but why do I feel this great sorrow? Just lift this off of me Lord. Break any desires I have remaining for Chris. Help me to let him go and if the world swallows him up, so be it. I trust you and I know you have a plan better than mine. Just lead me on the next step. And the next one.
|
|
|
|
Post by Sharon on Jan 5, 2018 15:17:28 GMT -5
I have been praying the last few days a lot more than normal. I sunk into the deepest level of depression I have experienced yet a couple days ago. I know it was brought on by Chris telling me he went on a date with that girl and then took her to Dillon to visit the ice castles...something he and I have been talking about doing together for years. It was insulting, it was heart breaking, but it was also eye opening. I don't want to be with this man. He is evil deep down in his heart right now. I told him I am planning to take the kids on a Disney cruise and he acted like he wanted to come, but then said it was mostly for the kids and if he moved back in right now, it would be more of the same. He is right about that, but it is not because of me. He says he is "working on himself". All he is doing is being selfish. He wants to come on the cruise because he doesn't want to miss out on fun. He doesn't want to participate in any responsibility, but he doesn't mind joining the fun. Truthfully if he came on the cruise, he would abandon me with the kids while he goes to drink and flirt with women. No. I am not putting up with this anymore. My heart is broken and for what?! An evil shell of a man who isn't living up to who God made him to be. I don't want this anymore. He disgusts me and horrifies me with his evil selfishness. At the cost of me and the cost of our children. I forgive him, because I know the devil is the real enemy, but Chris is choosing the devil. He is choosing this evil selfish lifestyle. I can not let him back in my heart or my home. He is abusing me and our kids and until he is a new creation, he can not come home. He can not be with us. But I won't date or try to find someone else. I know Gods promises and I know He is calling me to be obedient. I will be, for Gods sake. Not for Chris's.
|
|
|
|
Post by tkk2 on Jan 6, 2018 6:39:47 GMT -5
I have been praying the last few days a lot more than normal. I sunk into the deepest level of depression I have experienced yet a couple days ago. I know it was brought on by Chris telling me he went on a date with that girl and then took her to Dillon to visit the ice castles...something he and I have been talking about doing together for years. It was insulting, it was heart breaking, but it was also eye opening. I don't want to be with this man. He is evil deep down in his heart right now. I told him I am planning to take the kids on a Disney cruise and he acted like he wanted to come, but then said it was mostly for the kids and if he moved back in right now, it would be more of the same. He is right about that, but it is not because of me. He says he is "working on himself". All he is doing is being selfish. He wants to come on the cruise because he doesn't want to miss out on fun. He doesn't want to participate in any responsibility, but he doesn't mind joining the fun. Truthfully if he came on the cruise, he would abandon me with the kids while he goes to drink and flirt with women. No. I am not putting up with this anymore. My heart is broken and for what?! An evil shell of a man who isn't living up to who God made him to be. I don't want this anymore. He disgusts me and horrifies me with his evil selfishness. At the cost of me and the cost of our children. I forgive him, because I know the devil is the real enemy, but Chris is choosing the devil. He is choosing this evil selfish lifestyle. I can not let him back in my heart or my home. He is abusing me and our kids and until he is a new creation, he can not come home. He can not be with us. But I won't date or try to find someone else. I know Gods promises and I know He is calling me to be obedient. I will be, for Gods sake. Not for Chris's. Hi Sharon, im glad you realize that you are fighting a spiritual battle. Regarding the great sorrow you feel ....it is because the 2 of you became 1 flesh according to scripture. I know it hurts. Yesterday is gone....just get it right today. I would caution you to not speak of Chris as evil...thats character assasination, and not a fruit of the spirit. He may be ACTING evil, but that is different. Keep this in mind....the world is watching you, seeing how you deal with this season. Its easy to honor God during the good times, but your friends, neighbors etc are watching you and your walk in the trying times....especially your children. God is watching too, wondering if you remember what you were taught. I love you, sister. Be diligent, be strong, teach others during your storm. |
|
|
|
Post by Sharon on Jan 6, 2018 20:30:18 GMT -5
I have been praying the last few days a lot more than normal. I sunk into the deepest level of depression I have experienced yet a couple days ago. I know it was brought on by Chris telling me he went on a date with that girl and then took her to Dillon to visit the ice castles...something he and I have been talking about doing together for years. It was insulting, it was heart breaking, but it was also eye opening. I don't want to be with this man. He is evil deep down in his heart right now. I told him I am planning to take the kids on a Disney cruise and he acted like he wanted to come, but then said it was mostly for the kids and if he moved back in right now, it would be more of the same. He is right about that, but it is not because of me. He says he is "working on himself". All he is doing is being selfish. He wants to come on the cruise because he doesn't want to miss out on fun. He doesn't want to participate in any responsibility, but he doesn't mind joining the fun. Truthfully if he came on the cruise, he would abandon me with the kids while he goes to drink and flirt with women. No. I am not putting up with this anymore. My heart is broken and for what?! An evil shell of a man who isn't living up to who God made him to be. I don't want this anymore. He disgusts me and horrifies me with his evil selfishness. At the cost of me and the cost of our children. I forgive him, because I know the devil is the real enemy, but Chris is choosing the devil. He is choosing this evil selfish lifestyle. I can not let him back in my heart or my home. He is abusing me and our kids and until he is a new creation, he can not come home. He can not be with us. But I won't date or try to find someone else. I know Gods promises and I know He is calling me to be obedient. I will be, for Gods sake. Not for Chris's. Hi Sharon, im glad you realize that you are fighting a spiritual battle. Regarding the great sorrow you feel ....it is because the 2 of you became 1 flesh according to scripture. I know it hurts. Yesterday is gone....just get it right today. I would caution you to not speak of Chris as evil...thats character assasination, and not a fruit of the spirit. He may be ACTING evil, but that is different. Keep this in mind....the world is watching you, seeing how you deal with this season. Its easy to honor God during the good times, but your friends, neighbors etc are watching you and your walk in the trying times....especially your children. God is watching too, wondering if you remember what you were taught. I love you, sister. Be diligent, be strong, teach others during your storm. Sister you're right! I've been angry for days and I think I have enjoyed rolling around in that, because it's helping me distance my heart from him. But the Lord says whatever is true, noble, lovely, admirable, praiseworthy....to think about THOSE things! My mind shouldn't be on Chris at all. It should be on the Lord. On enjoying this new single life with my kids. On spending every day in the presence of the Lord. |
|
|
|
Post by Sharon on Jan 7, 2018 12:06:40 GMT -5
TK thank you for speaking against this in my heart. I'm realizing that my anger is a way I use to shelter and cover myself from being hurt again. Truthfully, I am not exposed! I don't trust the Lord to be my protector when I protect myself. I can't give up this stand, I can't hide away in fear, and I can't try to use anger to be a shield. I have to be open and be loving. I will tell you I believe God is protecting me. Opening my eyes to so many times and memories of when the enemy had hold of Chris. I want Chris back. I want my husband, the wonderful man that God made him to be. I do not want the man plagued by the demon back. All the love I gave him, all the times I tried to help him break this off, all of my fragile efforts went to nothing, because I am fighting against an enemy that my strength is not able to conquer. I need God to be my champion in this. And I don't have to be my own shield. The Lord is doing the work. I do perceive it. Like a spring rising up from the desert. He is doing something new.
|
|
