Crazy, painful, awesome.

Hey, Sharon, I'm sorry to hear about the hurt and fear you felt in response to this. I would have felt the exact same way. I am glad that your friend came over and you got to have some company and distraction.

I'm also glad that although it wasn't your immediate response, you started praying about this and now feel more affirmed in your choice to continue leaning on God. I urge you to keep praying and I will continue to pray for you too. I know you know this, but I don't feel like now is the time to be actively looking for a new partner - I recommend you delete any dating/hookup apps and I would consider even putting a background screen on your phone that will remind you to be careful about the choices you make on your phone. Sometimes seeing something like a special bible verse can remind me to steer my thoughts/actions in another direction.

This is also an important reminder that Chris is still lost and wandering. If he were really pursuing God, I don't think he would have made this choice to have a random hookup. He may indeed still want to be with you, as he has expressed in the past, but it sounds like he is still very much lost. I think that even if God actually does have a new relationship in store for Chris, that wouldn't be something for anywhere in the near future - your vision from God has continually been that you both need time to work on yourselves. My point is that I think Chris is still resisting God and a real relationship with Him, but you have continually made the choice to keep pursuing God. Over these past several weeks through this process, you have made mistakes but you almost immediately recognize it and then do what you need to do to get back on track with God. It doesn't seem to be the same with Chris right now, and it may be good for you to have seen that through this reminder. I encourage you to keep praying for him, but also keep doing what YOU need to do be right with God.

It sounds like you're on the same page as what I've just described, but I just wanted to encourage you. And let you know that I'm here praying for you, sister! Keep us updated and let us know how we can support you!

Adrienne and TK I adore you women of God and thank you for not only understanding, but not judging and confirming so much for me. One thing Chris said in that drunken conversation was that he is focused on trying to get himself right. He is trying not to look at porn but that leaves him wanting the real thing. He is at this place that I have been at for a long time (and a lot of the time I still go there even today)...I can do this in my own strength. He will learn faster than me I think that this is not something that can be done in his own strength, but God is going to sit back and let him try. And that's fine!
I was praying this morning and I opened to a place...I think in Ezekiel. It was talking about the Egyptian pharoahs arm has been broken. Egypt represents sin. The demon that has taken hold. But it said that the arm is broken and God will break both arms and drive the Egyptians away and that he will empower the King of Babylon (Babylon is Chris) with the sword of God (the sword of the spirit which is the word of God...the Bible) and that the King of Babylon will have victory over Egypt and they (both Babylon and Egypt) will know that it was Gods strength that did this.
I know this maybe wouldn't mean to someone else what it means to me, but I was so encouraged and started praying about this and I went back to that vision of the water. I am at this place where I am now hiding in the cabin on this ship in the ocean and I went and hid yesterday and am staying there. Jesus is steering the ship and the Spirit is with me in the cabin and I am hiding and I am safe. I have been using my shield of faith now to extinguish the flaming arrows of the evil one. I am not going to hide forever in this cabin, but for now this is the safest place for me, because clearly the water (sin) is terrifying me and I can't be close to it. I have to sit in safety and trust God for now and eventually, I will be strong enough to come out and keep my eyes on the sky and not on the water, but I am not there yet. My focus has to be God and He is hard for me to pay attention to when I am worried about the water and where Chris is in it. My focus hasn't been God. In fact, I have said before that I will have no problem submitting to a man who is submitted to God, but I realize that is not true. I haven't been able to fully submit myself and keep my focus on God, so I have to learn to submit fully and trust the Lord who is completely trustworthy, before I can trust a flawed man, even if his intentions are good.
But the part that encouraged me a lot was God revealed "I will make a way for him on dry land". Adrienne you are right. Right now, Chris is still in the water drowning and trying to use his own strength to keep himself afloat, but when he submits and reaches his hand to the Lord, the Sword of the Spirit which is the word of God, the Word that became flesh and made his dwelling among us, Jesus. When he reaches out, Jesus will take his hand and instead of lifting him out of the water, He will disperse the water around him as he parted the Red Sea. The water (the sin) will part and he will walk on dry land and pick up his armor as he goes.
God, I don't know how you will do it. At this point, there is no hope as I can see it. But you asked me for one thing. Be Still. Keep my eyes focused on you and don't worry about what you're doing with him. So you do you Lord. I trust you.