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Post by Adrienne on Nov 27, 2017 11:17:34 GMT -5
Hello friends!!
I wanted to give an update and ask for prayer. This has been an interesting fall season... I have had several big projects at school and have been teaching two new classes this semester, so it's been a busy few months at work. At the beginning of October, G approached me with doubts about his direction in life and our relationship: he basically told me he was feeling kind of lost and unsatisfied. At the end of October, he was out partying and got into an accident on the way home and totaled his car (the accident was his fault due to a combo of being really tired and a bit tipsy, but thank God, nobody else was hurt). We had to buy a new car, and it's also just a wakeup call about his lifestyle (working too many hours, and not drinking responsibly).
It's just been a lot and it's been hard to be patient and supportive and still feel secure as a couple despite everything going on. We've communicated some about it but we struggle sometimes with communication... especially because he gets so angry if he feels like I am "accusing" him of anything, and when that happens, the whole conversation just dissolves.
Lately also because of how busy I have been, I just haven't been as connected with God as I should be. I haven't been praying, haven't been digging into the word... honestly this has been an issue for me for a long time; for several months I've just been a detached "Christian" rather than really investing in my relationship with God. I remember at the beginning of my stand in 2014 I used to really be in contact with God on a deeper level and I would like to get back to that place...
So, here comes the doubt part and asking for prayer part: I don't know what's going on... I have no proof, but lately I have had a fear that G is cheating again... or having inappropriate conversations or something. Every now and then he stays out in his car listening to music for a few minutes after getting home and he also always spends ages in the bathroom (which he has always done), and both make me paranoid because he always talked/texted with the OP during his last affair in those contexts. And over the weekend I happened to glance over his shoulder while he was on the phone (not at all on purpose!) and thought I saw a text message with kissy face emojis on his facebook chat/messenger. It was super fast though so I may have seen it wrong, I only saw it for a fraction of a second.
Overall, I just have this uncomfortable feeling that something is wrong (I don't want to call it a "gut" feeling... but it's similar to how I felt when I suspected his last affair), but like I said, I have no proof. And I do NOT want to snoop. I was a terrible snooper the last time around and it's an awful path to go down: to me it means completely destroying any remaining trust I have in my partner, plus also displaying a lack of trust in God. I don't know if this is residual insecurity, or if something really is going on. And either way, I don't know what to do about it. Big picture, we are doing so much better than we were - our communication is better than it was, and he is loving, and I feel like he appreciates the sacrifices I have made and how much I have worked to forgive his very hurtful sins of the past. So maybe this is just the enemy playing on my insecurities??? I thought about talking to him about it directly, but without proof it could really blow up in my face. And I've been thinking about it and wondering if maybe this is all just a sign that I need to lean in to God more... I mean, even if something were going on, would that change anything about my stand? Certainly it would affect me emotionally, and it would honestly probably make it harder to stand - but if he confirmed that nothing was happening, then I could lay the doubts to rest ------ but, would I actually do so, being as insecure as I am? And, shouldn't my ultimate trust be in God, not in my husband's word/actions?
So, this is what's going on. Above all else, I am feeling called to press in to God once again. Before doing anything, I know I need to dig into prayer and the word and go to God for guidance. Can you guys help me pray? And if you have any thoughts, I'd be happy to hear those also.
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Post by Sharon on Nov 27, 2017 23:18:33 GMT -5
Adrienne, if this whole divorce thing has taught me anything, it's that you can't live in a healthy relationship when you don't have trust. I really think you need to directly address the issue and see where it goes. Honestly, I started to realize with Chris that when he is truly innocent, he always says things like "I understand where you are coming from because of the past, but I promise you that nothing is happening" and he's able to see it from my point of view. When things were happening, he blew up and got defensive and angry. I am not sure where G is and how his reactions are, but based on past experiences, you can probably deduce the truth pretty easily by his reaction when confronted directly. But sister, please think about this. If you do confront him and things are happening, what are you going to do? Are you going to act with loving kindness and forgiveness? Are you going to lose control? You definitely need to take this to God first and foremost and listen for his wisdom and direction. Ask for confirmation from Him about what his plans are for your life and your future. Ask for that little voice behind you telling you to go this way or that way. Then, even if it is hard, listen and obey. Deuteronomy 28:2 (NASV) says "All these blessings will come upon you and overtake you if you obey the LORD your God." I know it's hard. I'm so there...how many times do I have to obey Lord and why do you keep asking for harder and harder things from me? Why is your voice so quiet that I have to strain to hear it, but sister seek him and listen intently for his voice. You will hear His answer...and then trust him! Obey him! He has made promises to you for blessing and His promises are always true and always so much more then we could have even imagined. He has a beautiful marriage in store for you and a heart full of trust for your husband. Just trust his plans and obey where He leads you.
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Post by tkk2 on Nov 28, 2017 6:55:45 GMT -5
Adrienne, you are far to wise to have misinterpreted this. My guess is that G is talking to another woman. He'll probably say its harmless. But we all know its a foothold for the enemy. I agree with Sharon, his answers and your reactions are important....in the context of what God has in mind. The Lord's plans for your relationship are perfect.
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Post by Adrienne on Nov 28, 2017 10:33:00 GMT -5
Hi, ladies. Thanks for your input! I am struggling to pray about this for some reason.. probably just because I'' distant from God right now as it is.
I tried to talk with G last night (without praying enough first, oops)-- I did not accuse him of anything and didn't mention cheating at all or my fears... I just posed it as a check in, asked how he was feeling, if he was doing better since our conversation in early October and the accident, etc. It was an awkward conversation and I cried a bit because I got so nervous and uncomfortable! Sharon, I appreciate your advice about evaluating his reactions, but with G it is hard because since I've known him he hates to feel like anyone is "prying"... he hates to answer questions about himself on any subject so he always gets irritated and/or defensive if you ask him more than one or two questions about anything. And he is a very good liar. So it's hard to know when he is lying or hiding something.
I'm scared to ask him directly about all this since I have no proof... and since things are relatively peaceful lately... I'' scared of his reaction and I'm scared that he might be doing something inappropriate: I'm scared of my reaction if I find that out... I don't want to go back to where we were before.
Honestly right now (again, without having prayer enough about it yet) I just want to ignore this, lean into God, -!: trust Him to handle whatever is going on in G's heart. Do I have to know? Or can I just love and support him from a place of ignorance and trust that God has got this covered?
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Post by Sharon on Nov 28, 2017 14:33:41 GMT -5
Adrienne, I can't answer those questions for you, because you have to sit down with God and take those to him. But I do have a couple questions for you in regards to sitting back and letting well enough alone. How much do you really love G? Obviously, you want to say he is your soul mate, but if that is true for you, is it good enough to let his soul play footsies with the enemy? I understand the desire for comfort and stability. We all have it, but sloth is one of those deadly sins that we don't recognize enough. Sitting back and letting the devil have his way in a spiritual battle, because it's too inconvenient for us to interrupt our comfort and our lives to go to war for our spouses. I know if you think about this, you will realize you can't sit back and let the enemy have your husband. To him it might look innocent, but this is how the enemy works. One small sin at a time until he has his hooks so deep that there is no where to go, but to God. If you can't take this to God right now I get that, but God has promised restoration in your marriage, which means he has plans for a future for you and G and He won't be satisfied to leave you guys where you are. He has much bigger plans for you than this. All that being said, I don't know what the next step is. I wrote this blog this morning that I hope you will read: standingforsalvation.wordpress.com/2017/11/28/facing-the-storm/I hope it will give you some encouragement to stand with your armor on and face this trial, whatever that means specifically that God is asking you to do. And I know it's hard, it's painful, it's inconvenient and uncomfortable, it could lead to other things in your life being turned upside down. But the enemy uses fear to cripple and stop us from moving forward in faith that the Lord is going to do the work. Like Mordecai response to Esther...sister you can sit back and be afraid and not do this, but if you don't, God will use someone else and you won't reap the blessing. Please go to Him in prayer. We all get distant, but He is always right there, one call away. |
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Post by Adrienne on Nov 28, 2017 15:09:46 GMT -5
Thank you for the encouragement and confirmation Sharon.
After posting that earlier, I decided to stop wavering about and just pray already, even if it was messy. (And believe you me, it was messy!) As soon as I started praying, I felt it strongly on my heart that I DO need to talk to G about it directly. I tried to do it yesterday in a roundabout way, and there was also an occasion a few weeks ago that I tried to sort of talk about one concern in a roundabout way and neither conversation went very well - today I need to say what my thoughts and feelings are in clear language.
I was thinking about it and this verse came to mind: "for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control." (2 Timothy 1:7). That sealed the deal. I can't stay in this place of fear; that is not God's plan for His children.
I wrote on a post it note several weeks ago: "It is my responsibility to battle in prayer for my husband." But I haven't been doing it. I have been lazy, and scared, and I have just wanted to be comfortable. But I know that's wrong. G will be home from work soon, and I will talk to him. I just pray God gives me the strength to do so calmly and wisely, and in a way that honors Him.
Thanks again Sharon (and all others here!) for being a true friend, who will always encourage me through the Word.
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Post by Sharon on Nov 28, 2017 19:49:28 GMT -5
Lord, please go before Adrienne as she goes to war. Cover her with your wing. Your word says that thousands may fall around her and tens of thousands at her hand, but you surround her with your angels to guard her, because this one. This daughter of yours. You love her. Go with her Lord and be her strength. Give her peace and speak directly from her mouth so that the enemy can not win. Amen
Sister I will continue to pray tonight. Keep us updated
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Post by Adrienne on Nov 28, 2017 21:45:02 GMT -5
Thank you for that prayer Sharon. It reminds me of Psalm 91, which I was just reading.
I talked to G, and he told me he wasn't doing anything that he shouldn't be. He said that the emojis were in a conversation with a female friend of his, and that the conversation was innocent. I know her - they meet in 2014 and are very close; she lives in another country now. I told him that their friendship makes me uncomfortable- even though I do think it is innocent - and he said he is unwilling to change his whole identity for me, and that he has always had female friends, but doesn't do anything inappropriate with them.
He said he is trying to be a good partner and asked why I continue to doubt. I said it's residual fear and insecurity, and told him that I felt like we wouldn't be totally right until he came to God. He said we should just get divorced... that we are too different from one another, that he's not the man I want him to be and never will be, that I don't deserve a man like him (he says I deserve better, that I'm too good for him). I asked him if we could stay together and just start praying and reading the word together everyday, and he said no. He asked me to stop talking to him about God/religion. I told him that not so long ago he was saying that he thought he should return to the church; what changed? He said that he takes church seriously now... that he doesn't feel like he is clean enough to go to God like that and he can't imagine that he ever will. He also said God is everywhere, why does church matter.
I cried, a lot. He kept saying I am young, that I can have a different future with a different man, a better man. I told him that if he left me, I would stand for our marriage. I also told him that I don't want to separate, and that I don't want him to be the man that I want, instead I want him to be the man that God created him to be.
The conversation ended with him still saying that he thought we should get divorced. He told me I should just focus on my degree and forget about him. I asked him to please stay together and he repetitively said, "You will suffer with me, more than you already have. You don't deserve this. Just don't blame me for ruining your life when this eventually ends. I can't stand to have that on my conscience." But he didn't say it was over... he said it was up to me and I said we're still together.
So there we are. I'm a broken and fearful woman. He's a broken and guilt-wracked man. It's a broken marriage that he thinks is doomed to fail. But I'm still standing. And God can do a lot with broken things.
I want to get back right with God. I want to pray like I used to, and read the word like I used to. I want to start the Love Dare over again, and I want to learn how to move past this fear and insecurity. I want to eat healthier, and start exercising again, and really put the effort in to excel in my studies and teaching. G told me he didn't want us to waste our lives trying to make this work. I don't want to waste my life either. I want to have a close relationship with my Savior, and I want to have a good marriage with my covenant husband, and I want to live well and honor God in all that I do. And even though it would possibly be "easier," I don't see our divorce as having any part in any of that.
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Post by Sharon on Nov 29, 2017 0:30:29 GMT -5
Wow, so much happening here. I am so glad you were able to talk though and that nothing is happening. Adrienne, I think you are in a good place in saying that you want to have a close relationship with the Savior. God will open your eyes to the truth. G is very hard hearted...not against you though since it seems he is still willing to try to make this work, despite the threat of divorce. But his heart is definitely hardened for God. Sister, I don't know where this is going, but I know God has a plan. And I know more than ever, it is crucial that you start spending time daily, praying for yourself for strength, for your husband, for your marriage. For Gods will to be done in both of your lives. We try so hard, in our own strength. We do everything we can to try to fix our marriages. God sits back and watches us squirm until we're worn out exhausted. Then he extends His hand and does in an instant what we could have spent a lifetime trying to accomplish. You don't have to do anything here. You really don't! You just have to pray and trust the Lord to do what He plans on doing. He will take care of this. Just make sure to ask him, remind him of His promises, pray, cherish your relationship with him. He is powerful and He is loving both.
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Post by tkk2 on Nov 29, 2017 6:14:39 GMT -5
Adrienne.
I agree with Sharon....there are a lot of issues here. His heart is hard....almost like there is a secret somewhere. I don't know, can't put my finger on it. I'm praying you find the time, motivation you need to pray and workout. They are both vital. You just need to keep being a lighthouse for G. The lord will fill you with a peace and joy that others can't help but notice. Put your TRUST in him. I'm praying for you both.
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Post by Adrienne on Nov 29, 2017 16:09:44 GMT -5
Thank you TK and Sharon for your prayers and encouragement. I have one or two other friends I can talk to about some of this, but it's often hard to because they don't have the same faith-based perspective.
I'm feeling weary right now, and fearful again. The thought that keeps playing in my mind is: was he lying? Can I really trust in him? Will I ever stop being afraid of what he might do?
To me these thoughts are sure indicators/reminders that I am currently putting way too much focus on my husband and not nearly enough on God. Because if I shift the focus to God it's totally different: He never lies, of course I can trust Him, and He tells me to have courage and not be afraid! (I read your blog post, Sharon; thanks for that, sister).
I know we can be healed from this. I know we can get past this fear and guilt. And I know God can soften my husband's heart, however hard it may be.
And yes, TK, I agree that my husband has a secret, a dark one. But I believed him when he said he is being faithful. I think his secret is that the guilt from his affair is still killing him. It's that even though he says his relationship with God is fine, deep down he knows it's really not. It's that he is just as terrified of our unknown future and the possibility of divorce as I am- even though he will never admit it- and perhaps even moreso because he doesn't have any trust in God's power to restore and heal us. Last night he said he didn't regret his affair... but then I saw him shed a tear (for the first time ever in my sight) saying that it pained him how much he had hurt me- that it hurt him more than it ever has when he has been unfaithful in other relationships. He also said that he felt like he was fine in his relationship with God, then said he thought he would never be clean enough to get baptized. I think that is his secret. That he is a terrified, guilt-wracked sinner who is too scared to admit it and to go to his Savior to seek forgiveness and ask for healing.
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Post by Sharon on Nov 29, 2017 17:03:17 GMT -5
Adrienne, one promise that keeps me really going and helps me focus is that God told me "Chris will not be recognizable as the man he once was". The fact is that when the Spirit comes into us, He changes us from the inside and that naturally pours out of us. We can't stop it! When G is filled with the Spirit, he will be transformed by the renewing of his mind. Will you ever stop being afraid of what he might do? Sister, yes I promise you that you will! When the man is different to his core, filled with Christ in his soul, he won't be able to fight against God in him. And you will be able to trust him.
Not before that though. Don't be misled or deceived. I struggle with this too because Chris is great at saying all the words I want to hear, but actions speak louder than words. When these men find God, their actions will speak for them.
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Post by Adrienne on Nov 30, 2017 10:37:14 GMT -5
Thank you, Sharon, for your insight and advice.
I often struggle with what to believe about G. He has certainly deceived me in the past, and he's pretty good at doing it. I don't know if he is lying now, but I tend to think not. I know I need to be continually praying for wisdom and discernment. But at the same time, I don't want to be his spiritual minder (and he has made it abundantly clear that he doesn't want me to either)... I care deeply about his soul and his salvation is incredibly important to me. But I know that it's ultimately between him and God. I guess I'm struggling to find the balance between caring for him and not trying to step into this "savior" role that is not mine to fill.
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