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Post by Sharon on Nov 19, 2017 12:01:42 GMT -5
God is working. Every time I speak to Chris, I see God working. It's filling me with hope. I am still standing down, staying back, and keeping out of Gods way. I am also learning to stop sharing my pearls with my family as they just stomp all over it and have very little faith.
Yesterday Chris was supposed to come see the kids. I went to my house to get things ready there and wait for him. I don't know if I told y'all that the kids and I have decided to stay with my parents and I am vacation renting the house, but it's almost ready to go.
I texted him when the kids and I were ready to eat. It was a little past 2pm and he said he wasn't going to make it down and I was slightly annoyed. But then (thank you Jesus for miracles), he said he was going to come down tomorrow instead (Sunday) and go to church. That he had a football ticket but he was going to sell it. He also said he didn't think we should sit together at church (which I agree with. We both distract each other). I am just amazed. Chris has never decided all on his own to go to church. He told me he really needed to get into church and he likes our church and can't find a church in Denver that he likes and it will be more convenient with the kids anyways. I'm just amazed that he decided this on his own. Pretty much every encounter we have had recently has been laced with God. I know at this point, to my family it's going to look like manipulation. Maybe at this point, it is. But one thing I know to be a fact is the more you listen to and practice something, the more you like it and the better you get at it. Regardless of why he is pursuing his relationship with God, God is going to use it and do work here. Thank you God.
Recently I am praising God for this trial. The past is gone and I am actually grateful for that! I realized yesterday that I will NEVER be cheated on ever again. Like if Chris is having relations, whatever because he is not mine anymore. But once God has done the work in his heart, Chris won't do those things anymore. I am really happy about that! Even though this is all painful, thank you God for letting me go through it, because I know where this is going is amazing and beautiful. Thank you for forcing your hand. I didn't want the pain, but I am so excited for what is coming. Thank you Lord.
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Post by Sharon on Nov 19, 2017 18:24:20 GMT -5
Um...so I'm struggling right now a bit and really need some honest responses here. Chris came over to talk about divorce paperwork and play with the kids for a while. He did come to church this morning and we went to lunch after before we came to the house. Conversation was all friendly. When we got back we're going over paperwork. Chris said about halfway through that he wants to wait to do the rest of it, because he needs an excuse to see me again. I smiled and patted his arm. Then he was telling me about how he does this thing at work now that they call the "Jones look". If someone is talking about how they having issues in their marriage or talking bout hooking up with someone else he will just give them this look and tell them it's not worth it. He says he really didn't know what he was missing, but now he realizes how much he misses us. I don't know how, but I was feeling so vulnerable. He said something about the kids being asleep and that was enough. I took his hand and took him up to the bed. We hugged and kiss and had sex. We told each other we love each other and miss each other. We agreed we still are doing this divorce but that we will come back together. I don't know...on one hand it felt great for me and him to be together like that and I have missed him desperately. On the other hand, it felt very selfish on my part and I am scared that I jumped in and plodded all over Gods toes with this one physically driven move. I know I can't do anything to stop Gods plans in this mans life, but I think I can certainly slow it down and I think that's what I did. I miss him, but I was just very selfish. What do you guys think?
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Post by Sharon on Nov 19, 2017 18:49:22 GMT -5
Sorry for so many updates. Chris and I just talked about it because he can tell I am upset and I explained that I am not supposed to stand between him and God and I just pray that my selfishness just now will not slow him down. He said if anything, this is more motivation for him. He really wants to come home. He said he's told all the guys at the base that if he ever gets married again, it will be to "his ex" me. I explained that God was clear that Chris relationship with Him is separate for his relationship with me and that his relationship with God will be on the rock before our relationship comes back together. He said that this won't slow him down and he intends to keep going after God, regardless of my actions. That was a big relief to hear and I hope that is true. God forgive me for being so selfish and trying to fix this again in my own strength. God forgive me and please don't let this work against us, but use this for your good and glory. Although I don't think this was a sin, I had a conviction that I shouldn't sleep with him but then I did. Please forgive me for it and please don't let it work against his race towards you. Lord I love you and I want to be used for your good and your glory. Not for my own selfish desires. I am so sorry. God help me
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Post by Sharon on Nov 19, 2017 19:46:28 GMT -5
So after that conversation, Chris kissed me one more time and asked if it's okay for him to do that. I didn't answer because I haven't figured it out yet. I asked him if I can ask something personal before he leaves and he said yeah. I asked if he was still seeing the girl from Thailand and he said no. They had a talk and he explained that he only wants a relationship with his ex and he's not interested in a real relationship, plus he can't do this long distance thing. Maybe if she was here, it would be a different story cause she would benefit him then. But she can't give him the family and all that he wants cause she doesn't have a visa...on and on and on. I asked when all that happened and he says last night.....so yeah. I was jealous. I told him bout two different guys who were interested in me but I turned them down. He wanted details of that so I told him. Ugh this feels like a giant loop. I am convinced I didn't do this day right God, but please use it anyways. Teach me where I screwed up and show me your grace. Use this for your good Lord. Amen
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Post by Sharon on Nov 20, 2017 0:42:39 GMT -5
I am still trying to figure all this out. God please give me wisdom and guidance to understand what happened and what your plan is for it. Or if not, at least give me peace to know that You are working this all out for your glory! I can't go back and change today. Honestly, if I had to redo today, I would probably do it the same way. It was so good getting to see him and spend time with him today God. And it was so good having that special moment with him. I am shocked that it happened Lord. I know I had felt a conviction to not sleep with him. I also know that I had a dream about this moment the other day that came true. And I am confused by all of this, but Lord please help me to have a peace about it instead. Is this my "so that" mentality? Lord, am I feeling guilt for having sex with Chris, because I am scared of standing in your way again? Am I feeling this way, because I am scared that because I did it, something good won't happen or it will be delayed? Am I operating in that mentality where I have all the power and you have none of it again? I don't want to live there Lord. Help me understand myself. Chris even said it today, when I told him about my convictions, that nothing I do can make this storm change or change the course of this ship. That you have control of the storm and the ship. I know I have been hearing you tell me that for days. That at this point, I've given up the control and there is nothing I can do to change course now. So why am I so scared that I did something wrong? Maybe this isn't a conviction from you at all, but the enemy trying to prevent something good from happening? I am not sure. I know I want to follow after you. I know I don't want to let temptations overtake me. I know that I have been craving my husband, and only my husband. I know that I felt so much joy from our moment today. I know that we held each other and he told me this was like a dream. I know that I cried so much and he comforted me. I know that I am crying again writing all of this. I need a miracle God. I need a revelation. I love you Lord. I love you and I know that you love me and you love Chris and you love us. And I feel like today really was a picture of the love of God for His church. I don't know if you wanted today to happen the way it did or not. I do know that it wasn't a sin, because he is my husband and I am his wife. I trust you Lord and I pray that regardless, you will use this for your glory. Give me peace Lord. I can't do anything to change this. Amen
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Post by Sharon on Nov 20, 2017 0:52:25 GMT -5
I am reading in my Bible and I just turned to Isaiah 62. I don't understand all of it, but it made me cry and it made me feel so strong and built up. God please, I don't know what you're doing and I don't understand all of it, but I know your word is true. I know you are doing something here and I trust you. I don't want to carry the burden of understanding. I just want to trust you. You have plans and you're putting them in action. Amen
Isaiah 62
For Zion’s sake I will not keep silent,
for Jerusalem’s sake I will not remain quiet,
till her vindication shines out like the dawn,
her salvation like a blazing torch.
The nations will see your vindication,
and all kings your glory;
you will be called by a new name
that the mouth of the Lord will bestow.
You will be a crown of splendor in the Lord’s hand,
a royal diadem in the hand of your God.
No longer will they call you Deserted,
or name your land Desolate.
But you will be called Hephzibah,
and your land Beulah;
for the Lord will take delight in you,
and your land will be married.
As a young man marries a young woman,
so will your Builder marry you;
as a bridegroom rejoices over his bride,
so will your God rejoice over you.
I have posted watchmen on your walls, Jerusalem;
they will never be silent day or night.
You who call on the Lord,
give yourselves no rest,
and give him no rest till he establishes Jerusalem
and makes her the praise of the earth.
The Lord has sworn by his right hand
and by his mighty arm:
“Never again will I give your grain
as food for your enemies,
and never again will foreigners drink the new wine
for which you have toiled;
but those who harvest it will eat it
and praise the Lord,
and those who gather the grapes will drink it
in the courts of my sanctuary.”
Pass through, pass through the gates!
Prepare the way for the people.
Build up, build up the highway!
Remove the stones.
Raise a banner for the nations.
The Lord has made proclamation
to the ends of the earth:
“Say to Daughter Zion,
‘See, your Savior comes!
See, his reward is with him,
and his recompense accompanies him.’”
They will be called the Holy People,
the Redeemed of the Lord;
and you will be called Sought After,
the City No Longer Deserted.
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Post by tkk2 on Nov 20, 2017 5:00:00 GMT -5
Sharon, the verse that comes to mind is
“Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. Isiah 43
Honestly, we all act double minded and selfish sometimes and God probably shakes his head at us....but he will still make a way....thats the good news, Gods grace.
Take heart and get it right today.
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Post by Sharon on Nov 20, 2017 11:28:00 GMT -5
Sorry sorry sorry for so many updates! I don't blame y'all if you just wanna skip over this, but thank you TK for reading this and anyone else who reads it ❤️
I cried in loneliness and conviction, because I was separate from You, Lord. I want to convince myself somehow that this was your will, but this was my will. I wanted it and then I took it. Please forgive me God. I trust you and I am sorry that I stepped in the way. I had an affair against you. You will pour on the blessings. I don't have to snatch them. The fruit is not ripe yet. When it is, you will allow me to harvest.
I found these notes in an email I had sent to myself. I took them from a book called "A Second Wind".
"Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?" "'No one sir' she said." "Then neither do I condemn you," Jesus declared. "Go now and leave your life of sin"
His outlook is totally aimed at the future, not the past. Yes he does not whitewash the past, as modern society is often too eager to do; he clearly labels it a "life of sin." He tells the truth about what she has been doing. But his main thrust is "Go now. Move ahead with your life on a whole different track than before."
He is not interested in condemnation for condemnations sake. He knows there are certain times in life when it's best not to apply the prescribed penalty, even though it may be based on justifiable law. Instead, in this case he focuses on personal change. He wants this woman to experience a second wind. He wants to set her free to live in righteousness and Gods blessing. No more furtive trysts with married men. No more seeking for love in messy places. Instead, he calls her to the embrace of her Heavenly Father, who created her in the first place and wants the very best for her future.
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Post by leanna72 on Nov 21, 2017 4:25:23 GMT -5
Hi Sharon. I made it through all of the updates and wanted to share my thoughts...
Sex with your husband is not wrong. I don't believe that what you felt was conviction but guilt and guilt does not come from God. Justin and I have stayed in the same house for these years we have been on the rocks and intimacy has been a part of that the whole time. I encourage the exploration of what is right for you. What does God lead you to do and really put your thoughts and feelings through the filter of scripture to test if what you are feeling is from God.
Second I am very Glad that you are both determined to pursue God before restoration.
Lastly I never encourage a friend or anyone really to get a divorce. Really test that through God's word and look for direction there. I can't say what is right for anyone else but God always provides a way out the path we set for ourselves to the path that he lays out before us. It's hard and grace is not only a must with out prodigals but with ourselves.
The audio from rejoice on sex and the stander is a helpful listen that I would recommend!
Sorry if my writing was choppy it's late and my brain doesn't function great at night. Praying for you
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Post by Sharon on Nov 22, 2017 12:08:08 GMT -5
Leanna, thank you so much for responding and for reading through my book! I know it was all over the place lol.
You have helped relieve something that has been on my mind. Our final paperwork is due on December 7th. I have been seriously considering not putting in the paperwork and just letting the divorce fall through. I don't want to step on Gods toes anymore though, so I have been intently praying for direction. The fact that you mentioned you don't believe Gods will is for divorce is madly encouraging to me. I am going to read through the word and pray again about this. I do think though that Gods law permitted divorce in cases of adultery, because of a hard heart. At this point though, I don't think Chris or I either have a hard heart anymore. We are both open to the hope for restoration and want to build our foundation on God. I still think we need to be separated. God is doing a lot of work on him and on me that He otherwise couldn't do, but I am wondering if I just need to let the divorce fall through. Pray for me please and anyone's advice on this would be welcome.
I'm going to post about this on a new stream too since I know I murdered this one with responses. lol thanks
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Post by Adrienne on Nov 24, 2017 21:41:59 GMT -5
Hey Sharon, sorry I never replied on this thread. We have some of G's family in town staying with us so we have been very busy. I agree with Leanna - sex with your spouse is not wrong. But do keep praying for God's guidance on how to handle this phase in your marriage. I will continue praying for you both too.
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Post by leanna72 on Nov 25, 2017 0:30:38 GMT -5
Leanna, thank you so much for responding and for reading through my book! I know it was all over the place lol. You have helped relieve something that has been on my mind. Our final paperwork is due on December 7th. I have been seriously considering not putting in the paperwork and just letting the divorce fall through. I don't want to step on Gods toes anymore though, so I have been intently praying for direction. The fact that you mentioned you don't believe Gods will is for divorce is madly encouraging to me. I am going to read through the word and pray again about this. I do think though that Gods law permitted divorce in cases of adultery, because of a hard heart. At this point though, I don't think Chris or I either have a hard heart anymore. We are both open to the hope for restoration and want to build our foundation on God. I still think we need to be separated. God is doing a lot of work on him and on me that He otherwise couldn't do, but I am wondering if I just need to let the divorce fall through. Pray for me please and anyone's advice on this would be welcome. I'm going to post about this on a new stream too since I know I murdered this one with responses. lol thanks Sharon I have to tell you my heart skipped a beat! I am glad that my words were encouraging, I was a bit worried that it might come across wrong. I will be praying for you! I am encouraged myself that you are both open to restoration. Thanks for the reply back it gave me a smile!!! |
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