Post by Sharon on Nov 13, 2017 17:10:27 GMT -5
Chris called today to talk about me bringing the kids up. He clarified for me what he meant a few weeks ago when he said I was "being selfish". He is concerned for the kids sake. He wants them to know that mom and dad can be cordial in a room without it being anything romantic and on the flip side not completely distant either. Basically just a good friendship middle ground. I agreed with him and explained that I want to talk to him, but I am having a hard time with things emotionally right now. He said he is also struggling and he knows to me it doesn't look like that, but it's just because he puts on a good face. That he and his mom talked about it and he realizes he has to be more vulnerable and less defensive. I told him okay and I guess I need to be willing to put down my guard too. It was a good talk.
We also discussed all the problems in our marriage. He explained that for him, the biggest issue was respect. That I didn't take his feelings into consideration with the kids and with my job and my family. And he understands that my biggest thing was love. That by his reacting to my disrespect by reaching out to other women, that damaged me emotionally. We both agreed we have a lot of garbage to work on in ourselves. And that our marriage is broken and divorce is really our only option, because we have been "building a mansion on quicksand" is how he put it. Amazing to me how God speaks to this man who does not know the Bible, but completely understands building a house on the sand with no foundation. Our covenant is broken and we can't repair it. But he told me he is scared of the future and he spoke before about renewing our vows as a way of saying "I really mean it this time", but he realizes now that it has to be broken completely destroyed to the bottom before anything can be built again on the right foundation. He said he hasn't been praying unless thinking counts and I told him it does. And God has clearly been speaking to him as far as what I heard in our conversation. He owned his mistakes. I owned mine. It was very encouraging to hear all of that. And we both know and agree that we can't build this marriage anymore. It's broken and dead and there's no hope here anymore. No earthly hope. But he said he was scared for his future, because he is now standing on a hope that someday God will create a new covenant with us. I told him I am praying and hoping for that too.
All good. All hope being put into God in this. But right now, our focus is to make sure our kids transition into this new life of divorce well. That we can start to have a friendship, not a marriage relationship. And I am praying that Gods will still be done in his life and in my life and my kids life. And right now, my major focus needs to be on God. Not on Chris. On God.
So I started off on the one extreme. Trying in all my own strength to fix this and keeping my focus completely on Chris and how I was going to fix this. Doing everything so that my promise would come true.
And when that didn't work, I retreated and his behind my family and friends and work and God and tucked myself away into a hole where I was safe.
But it's time to come into a middle ground now. I am not going to hide away from the fear, because I can't move forward if I don't face this issue. But I am also not going to focus on making something happen in my own strength. Instead Im going to stand and face the giant, not afraid, because I know that God is with me and is lending me his strength. Not doing it out of motivation for a specific outcome and not hiding from it. Taking it head on, because I know that God will use it.
I guess I am writing all this to let y'all know where I am right now in all this and also to remind myself and give myself some courage. I am taking the kids up to see Chris tonight and I told him I would hang out with him and the kids. I need to make sure that my focus and my intentions are for God, for my kids, for facing my fear, not for Chris or for selfish purpose. Please pray for strength for me today. Pray that this encounter goes well. Pray for peace for me. Pray for wisdom and guidance. Pray for protection and that I would not fall into a trap.
Also, I'm calling this 10lbs, because my sister said this is just like weight loss. You have 300lbs to lose and you've already lost 10, so you're not at the goal yet, but making progress. Chris hasn't gotten to rock bottom yet (although he is depressed and says he has), but he is heading the right direction. God has cracked this mans heart just a little. God I am so grateful that you have opened his heart just a bit. And thank you for letting me see it. Help me not to get in your way! Help me to just stay back and witness this work. Amen
We also discussed all the problems in our marriage. He explained that for him, the biggest issue was respect. That I didn't take his feelings into consideration with the kids and with my job and my family. And he understands that my biggest thing was love. That by his reacting to my disrespect by reaching out to other women, that damaged me emotionally. We both agreed we have a lot of garbage to work on in ourselves. And that our marriage is broken and divorce is really our only option, because we have been "building a mansion on quicksand" is how he put it. Amazing to me how God speaks to this man who does not know the Bible, but completely understands building a house on the sand with no foundation. Our covenant is broken and we can't repair it. But he told me he is scared of the future and he spoke before about renewing our vows as a way of saying "I really mean it this time", but he realizes now that it has to be broken completely destroyed to the bottom before anything can be built again on the right foundation. He said he hasn't been praying unless thinking counts and I told him it does. And God has clearly been speaking to him as far as what I heard in our conversation. He owned his mistakes. I owned mine. It was very encouraging to hear all of that. And we both know and agree that we can't build this marriage anymore. It's broken and dead and there's no hope here anymore. No earthly hope. But he said he was scared for his future, because he is now standing on a hope that someday God will create a new covenant with us. I told him I am praying and hoping for that too.
All good. All hope being put into God in this. But right now, our focus is to make sure our kids transition into this new life of divorce well. That we can start to have a friendship, not a marriage relationship. And I am praying that Gods will still be done in his life and in my life and my kids life. And right now, my major focus needs to be on God. Not on Chris. On God.
So I started off on the one extreme. Trying in all my own strength to fix this and keeping my focus completely on Chris and how I was going to fix this. Doing everything so that my promise would come true.
And when that didn't work, I retreated and his behind my family and friends and work and God and tucked myself away into a hole where I was safe.
But it's time to come into a middle ground now. I am not going to hide away from the fear, because I can't move forward if I don't face this issue. But I am also not going to focus on making something happen in my own strength. Instead Im going to stand and face the giant, not afraid, because I know that God is with me and is lending me his strength. Not doing it out of motivation for a specific outcome and not hiding from it. Taking it head on, because I know that God will use it.
I guess I am writing all this to let y'all know where I am right now in all this and also to remind myself and give myself some courage. I am taking the kids up to see Chris tonight and I told him I would hang out with him and the kids. I need to make sure that my focus and my intentions are for God, for my kids, for facing my fear, not for Chris or for selfish purpose. Please pray for strength for me today. Pray that this encounter goes well. Pray for peace for me. Pray for wisdom and guidance. Pray for protection and that I would not fall into a trap.
Also, I'm calling this 10lbs, because my sister said this is just like weight loss. You have 300lbs to lose and you've already lost 10, so you're not at the goal yet, but making progress. Chris hasn't gotten to rock bottom yet (although he is depressed and says he has), but he is heading the right direction. God has cracked this mans heart just a little. God I am so grateful that you have opened his heart just a bit. And thank you for letting me see it. Help me not to get in your way! Help me to just stay back and witness this work. Amen
