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Post by Sharon on Oct 17, 2017 23:56:37 GMT -5
I wrote this in my blog this morning:
This morning he texted me again. He still loves me, but he isn’t trying to make me come back. He wants a better relationship with Christ and he wants me and the kids to be taken care of financially. All he needs from me is 20 minutes of my time to explain this new business opportunity and…
Wait. Hold on. Please stop right there. Are you trying to sell me something? I am asking him as I am checking my bank account to discover he has stolen $250 from my account. What the heck.
My response to him. “I hate you.” His response. “Y”. Why? Why?!?! WHY am I finally at the point after 8 years of affairs that I hate you? You know, that is not actually such a bad question, but the better question is why? Why did I forgive you for 8 years of affairs? Why did I let you break me down so far that I felt like I didn’t know who I was without you? Why did I cover all of your expensive tastes? A new tv, a new phone, a new fancy car, a new house, then a better house. Why did I keep letting myself be emotionally abused? Because of grace. Because I am a Christian woman. Because I meant it when I said I do. Because I love the Lord who loves marriage and wanted to fight as hard as I can to make it work in my own strength. I dug this ditch until my hands bled and Jesus I am still waiting for the rain. Fill this ditch Lord Jesus, because I am still waiting for the rain!
Why do I keep praying for you? Because God loves you and He will not give up on you. He loves the man he made you to be, even if you refuse to be that man. He has seen the future and He is there now. He knows who you will become. And He gave me a foresight of what it will look like. Foolishly, I cling to the promise instead of the promiser, but I can’t anymore. I can’t pray for you anymore. Why do I hate you? Because I am human. Lord, you are God and I am not. I can not move this mountain. Lord, you move it.
Psalm 46:10 “Be still and know that I am God.”
I am so frustrated today. I got on a Christian dating app because I was feeling lonely and frustrated. And I am annoyed with myself now honestly for doing it. Why am I so weak right now God? I want His best plan and I know that means waiting. Pressing into God. Not just looking for another person to try to squish into my heart. God is enough. Why am I doing this to myself?! I need focus. Holy Spirit please come. Take control of me. Help me overcome this depression and loneliness.
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Post by Sharon on Oct 18, 2017 9:56:11 GMT -5
Sharon, you can't close the door when you are standing in it. Lord, even if it's just today, can you help me forget this marriage, the divorce, and just put my focus fully on you.
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Post by Adrienne on Oct 19, 2017 17:17:39 GMT -5
Sharon, I haven't been on here everyday lately but I do pray for you and Chris both everyday. I am glad to hear in your recent praise report that you are feeling stronger and more at peace now than you were when you posted this.
I hope you deleted the dating app... I know it's hard, but try not to pursue those temptations that will distract you from God's purpose. Going to the divorce care group is great, other opportunities for fellowship are great - but I warn you (don't know why I feel this on my heart) - be careful there too. Like you said in response to the post from someone asking why bother standing for marriage, loneliness is very hard. Remember that you have chosen to dedicate this time to God, not to any man or other human "filler" of that loneliness. Remember the proverb that tells us to guard our hearts... I urge you to guard yours zealously for our God. Focus on His plan for your life.
As for your desire to forget about your marriage and your divorce... I understand it, but I encourage you to instead focus on God's positive works within both. Look again at all He has done for you even within the struggles that you have faced in both stages. I often think that it's not a matter of ignoring the bad or forgetting it, it's a question of remembering how much BIGGER and BETTER our God is than any of it!
I stand with you in prayer, sister <3
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Post by Sharon on Oct 19, 2017 17:56:27 GMT -5
Adrienne thank you so much sister for your wise counsel! One of those things I loved about this group actually was the little contract you sign when you join. "No dating in the group. We are here to heal, not to find the next one." Yes! Thank you Jesus for those protections! Sister, you know I am struggling with guarding my heart because my human hands are always toiling. I did delete the app. In fact, I got a message the next day from someone in my email and deleted without reading that too. No God is truly my husband right now. I don't want a man. I want the Lord. I have put another guard up in that I am only checking my texts once a day. I dare y'all of you to try it cause oh my gosh is it hard! Every day though, this man is texting or calling and I have to say nope. That is not Gods will for me right now. Nope! I am tempted to fall back on my old idol, but nope! Pressing forward Lord! Lord please just keep moving me forward.
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Post by Sharon on Oct 22, 2017 0:42:48 GMT -5
I am so frustrated. I know this all comes with its ups and downs and it's part of the good plan God has for me, but it doesn't change the fact that the low times really suck. Have you ever watched a really sad movie and at the end you get up from it and you're like "well I'm glad it's over" cause at least you can now go back to your good life. I swear I'm feeling that but in reverse. I spend time with my kids and enjoy it, I go for a walk with friends and enjoy it, or I spend time with God and enjoy that too, but then at the end of it all I wake up and realize I'm living that sad movie right now. It's not something I can escape from! It makes me feel like crap honestly. When is this going to stop sucking?! God! I know you're going to do the work, but when?! I know you have plans for me, but when? I don't like this! I don't like not knowing how long this will take. I'm in the storm God and I know you're in control. I trust you with that. You won't let it harm me or drown me or destroy me, but when is the promised land coming? Patience is not my thing God and I know you will bless me if I can just stay faithful...it's hard. It's really hard. I'm reading the word, I'm listening to sermons, I'm spending time in community, in worship, in prayer. I'm being faithful, but is this all I have left? I'm feeling like a sermon addict honestly. Is this the only peace you have for me? No, God! I know you have more for me than this, but I can't get out of my own head. I keep toiling. I'm tired of toiling. Just help me Jesus please. I need your peace God. I need to get out of the way and trust you. Please Jesus please. Do what you promised to do. Please Lord please do it.
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Post by Adrienne on Oct 23, 2017 11:28:13 GMT -5
Sharon, thanks for sharing your feelings with us. I have been praying for you, and I can only imagine how hard this must be feeling. It is so frustrating to feel helpless in the face of something that seems so huge!!! I urge you to continue looking to God. But rather than looking to Him to fulfill this promise, look to His power, to His glory, to His awesomeness, and bask in that. I really truly don't mean this to sound judgmental, but what I am seeing in your post is that you're still focusing on your situation and on what you want to happen with Chris more than you are on God. I totally understand this, because this is me 99.9% of the time! But I encourage you... remember that God is bigger than your situation. GOD is your purpose... a relationship with Him is the #1 goal in your life (and all of ours too), and #2 is spreading the Good News of Christ to the world. In those "sad movie" moments, please try to look back to those goals rather than looking to Chris. I know it's really hard, and I don't at all mean to minimize that. But while this has been really frustrating and challenging for you, I know you have also had some really positive and empowering moments and I encourage you to keep seeking those out. God has a plan always, even for this.
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Post by Adrienne on Oct 23, 2017 11:28:25 GMT -5
Sending you a really big virtual hug too.
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Post by Sharon on Oct 23, 2017 22:49:08 GMT -5
Adrienne sister you are so wise and you are so right. I mean, I swear even when I think I can't possibly be focused on Chris, cause we haven't talked in a week! Still I'm holding onto this promise instead of stepping forward into my life! I'm letting it go. So...I know I sound like a crazy person in a mid life crisis, but hear me out for a second y'all! Lol. I have wanted a motorbike for a LONG time and never got one cause Chris poo pooed the idea. It's not safe. Blah blah. Well I found someone who wants to trade his motorbike for a wedding ring. I am going to try to drag my dad to meet this guy tomorrow and trade my ring for a bike. Terrible idea??? I think it will be healthy. I need to click over in my head and realize that part of my life is over. I have to move forward into who I want to be and who God wants me to be. I think this will be fun and exciting for me and also good that I am getting rid of this ring. It's time to start living my life and enjoying it with my kids and with the Lord and putting the promises aside for now. I still believe one day God will do what He has promised to do, but I want my focus now to be my relationship with him, me, and my kids, and having fun! Not looking to a man to fill in places in my heart but trusting God that He has given me everything I need right now. I have God. I have my kids. I have a home, a job, a car, a good life. I have everything I need.
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Post by Adrienne on Oct 24, 2017 9:47:14 GMT -5
Praise God, Sharon! It is a daily battle to remember: EYES ON HIM! Believe me, I know it! And if you feel it in your heart to do this ring-motorbike swap, then do it. Just wear a helmet and be safe! :-) I know some would be negative about giving away the symbol of your covenant... but for you it has been a negative symbol I think since the covenant was so broken. Maybe it will become a better symbol for someone else. Ultimately GOD is the most important symbol by any means, and you wear Him in your heart. Do what you need to do to strengthen that God symbol and focus on it!
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