Post by Adrienne on Dec 2, 2016 20:59:21 GMT -5
Hey friends.
Over the past several months I have expressed on here sometimes that I feel distant. I feel like I'm drifting. Every time I tell myself that I will take the steps to get out of this slump, to get back to my former passionate relationship with God, but yet I never do. I'm not praying the way I know I should, I am listless at church rather than truly engaged, I have begun to believe the enemy's lies that my husband will never return to the church.
All this has affected somewhat how I interact with my husband. I praise God for how far we have come and I am so grateful for how we have grown and for the fact that I have my husband at home and that (as far as I know) he is not active in an affair. We don't fight to the extreme that we used to anymore, and he doesn't threaten divorce every week anymore. However, when we do fight it can still get so ugly... to the point where I feel terrible. To the point where I feel like I hate my husband, and feel like he has ruined my life, and it will never get better because he's just a terrible person and we're so different from each other that we'll never be able to communicate.
I know this is NOT a healthy or fair way to feel... I know in my head when I think about it that these are all lies of the enemy. In reality, my husband is a child of God and he definitely hasn't ruined my life, and I should love, honor, and respect him as my husband. Just, sometimes, he is so mean to me and so incomprehensible that it's very hard.
Tonight we got into a fight that we've had before. The thing is that he wants to go travel in Europe for a few weeks by himself - specifically without me. He's never been, whereas I went various times before we met (including once to study abroad) and once more after we got married - I went to visit friends; it was the same summer that he went to his home country by himself and cheated on me. So, he's brought this Eurotrip up to me on multiple occasions and while I have tried to be supportive I always get stuck on two points: 1) the financial aspect, because we have credit card debt, and 2) the fact that he so obstinately wants to go ALONE. I have traveled some alone (like Mexico last summer) but it has been for school, I've gotten grants to pay for it, and I've always invited him to go and tried to offer various solutions so that he could go with me - and he's always declined. It makes me feel left out that he wants to go alone, especially as he tells me "I'll enjoy it more if I'm by myself." I also have this fear that he wants to go alone so that he can sleep with other women while he's there.
So that's the basic issue. In past conversations I have tried to talk to him about my feelings, and then after expressing how I feel, I say something along the lines of "Ok, I am trying to understand you and your wants, and I want to support you. You should go, by yourself if you want, but you need to make a firm plan of when/where and buy the ticket a few months in advance so then there's something concrete to save up for so you can go. I'll do my best to help you save up."
We usually leave the conversation with both of us slightly tense, and then nothing ever happens. Every few weeks/months he brings it up again and then we go through the same emotional and tense conversation. Tonight it happened again and he told me that I don't support him, that he always tells me his goals and I shoot him down, that I imprison him, that I "cut his wings" because he has these goals yet none of them have come to fruition... He told me that when he shares a goal/idea I should just say "Ok/yes" and then keep my mouth shut, with not a single question/doubt/response/opinion in response to whatever idea he puts forth. That's his concept of how I should support him.
I can't make sense of how on earth he says I don't support him after all the mess I've tolerated and done my best to forgive. His affair, partying, lies, texting other women, obsessive need for privacy, controlling nature, him leaving the church... I don't know what else to do; it's never enough and I can't ever say the right thing. I get so frustrated because I feel like I'm breaking my back for this man and it's worthless. Now, I have this fear that he's going to hold this anger against me for supposedly not supporting his Europe dream. I told him tonight to buy a ticket for next summer but who knows if he's going to hang on to this and hold it against me.
I feel lost. I have been crying for over an hour. I feel so far from God and feel like I don't know how to really lean into Him anymore. I am planning to go to a prayer and fast session tomorrow morning at church. I know I just need to turn around and God will be there, I know I need to get into the word again and start praying every day. I just am fearful of committing to that again because I've said it so many times and have failed every single time. And about my G... I don't even know what to do. Tell him again to just buy the ticket, I guess, and then try to keep my mouth shut if that's what he really wants? I guess I need to pray for peace, for guidance, and for a more submissive heart. And for forgiveness, because I'm still so angry.
Sorry, friends, for how long this is. I wrote a lot of it for myself too as a way of processing. And I just don't want to hide anymore. I needed to tell someone how broken I am feeling, I wanted to confess it, and selfishly, I want your help, please. Please pray for me, I need help to really get myself out of this and back to God...
Over the past several months I have expressed on here sometimes that I feel distant. I feel like I'm drifting. Every time I tell myself that I will take the steps to get out of this slump, to get back to my former passionate relationship with God, but yet I never do. I'm not praying the way I know I should, I am listless at church rather than truly engaged, I have begun to believe the enemy's lies that my husband will never return to the church.
All this has affected somewhat how I interact with my husband. I praise God for how far we have come and I am so grateful for how we have grown and for the fact that I have my husband at home and that (as far as I know) he is not active in an affair. We don't fight to the extreme that we used to anymore, and he doesn't threaten divorce every week anymore. However, when we do fight it can still get so ugly... to the point where I feel terrible. To the point where I feel like I hate my husband, and feel like he has ruined my life, and it will never get better because he's just a terrible person and we're so different from each other that we'll never be able to communicate.
I know this is NOT a healthy or fair way to feel... I know in my head when I think about it that these are all lies of the enemy. In reality, my husband is a child of God and he definitely hasn't ruined my life, and I should love, honor, and respect him as my husband. Just, sometimes, he is so mean to me and so incomprehensible that it's very hard.
Tonight we got into a fight that we've had before. The thing is that he wants to go travel in Europe for a few weeks by himself - specifically without me. He's never been, whereas I went various times before we met (including once to study abroad) and once more after we got married - I went to visit friends; it was the same summer that he went to his home country by himself and cheated on me. So, he's brought this Eurotrip up to me on multiple occasions and while I have tried to be supportive I always get stuck on two points: 1) the financial aspect, because we have credit card debt, and 2) the fact that he so obstinately wants to go ALONE. I have traveled some alone (like Mexico last summer) but it has been for school, I've gotten grants to pay for it, and I've always invited him to go and tried to offer various solutions so that he could go with me - and he's always declined. It makes me feel left out that he wants to go alone, especially as he tells me "I'll enjoy it more if I'm by myself." I also have this fear that he wants to go alone so that he can sleep with other women while he's there.
So that's the basic issue. In past conversations I have tried to talk to him about my feelings, and then after expressing how I feel, I say something along the lines of "Ok, I am trying to understand you and your wants, and I want to support you. You should go, by yourself if you want, but you need to make a firm plan of when/where and buy the ticket a few months in advance so then there's something concrete to save up for so you can go. I'll do my best to help you save up."
We usually leave the conversation with both of us slightly tense, and then nothing ever happens. Every few weeks/months he brings it up again and then we go through the same emotional and tense conversation. Tonight it happened again and he told me that I don't support him, that he always tells me his goals and I shoot him down, that I imprison him, that I "cut his wings" because he has these goals yet none of them have come to fruition... He told me that when he shares a goal/idea I should just say "Ok/yes" and then keep my mouth shut, with not a single question/doubt/response/opinion in response to whatever idea he puts forth. That's his concept of how I should support him.
I can't make sense of how on earth he says I don't support him after all the mess I've tolerated and done my best to forgive. His affair, partying, lies, texting other women, obsessive need for privacy, controlling nature, him leaving the church... I don't know what else to do; it's never enough and I can't ever say the right thing. I get so frustrated because I feel like I'm breaking my back for this man and it's worthless. Now, I have this fear that he's going to hold this anger against me for supposedly not supporting his Europe dream. I told him tonight to buy a ticket for next summer but who knows if he's going to hang on to this and hold it against me.
I feel lost. I have been crying for over an hour. I feel so far from God and feel like I don't know how to really lean into Him anymore. I am planning to go to a prayer and fast session tomorrow morning at church. I know I just need to turn around and God will be there, I know I need to get into the word again and start praying every day. I just am fearful of committing to that again because I've said it so many times and have failed every single time. And about my G... I don't even know what to do. Tell him again to just buy the ticket, I guess, and then try to keep my mouth shut if that's what he really wants? I guess I need to pray for peace, for guidance, and for a more submissive heart. And for forgiveness, because I'm still so angry.
Sorry, friends, for how long this is. I wrote a lot of it for myself too as a way of processing. And I just don't want to hide anymore. I needed to tell someone how broken I am feeling, I wanted to confess it, and selfishly, I want your help, please. Please pray for me, I need help to really get myself out of this and back to God...
