Post by leanna72 on Nov 16, 2016 1:26:44 GMT -5
Hi there brothers and sisters!
I have been keeping occupied with making my jewelry, having the kids in school and all of the events associated with that, been in bible study and in mops. My Grandmother had a stint in the hospital that was a very close call but she is better now and moved back into her assisted living facility. My brother suddenly moved with his wife and twins to Seattle. Most of our family is in Colorado so this is sad. But I'm not on the best terms with them so maybe the distance will help.
Along the lines of my marriage, some days I think we are getting better and some days I can't believe how bad out seems and wonder if it will ever get better or if it will continue to get worse. I had a pretty bad backside this last week...
Some back history of me, I was molested by a peer at the age of 8. Sometimes I still struggle with emotions and mindset from it. This has boiled to the surface in recent events and although I have gone through counseling at several different points in life there are still deep wounds there.
This last week I was approached via online by a male friend that I have spoken with for years but don't often talk to. I've always considered it a distant friendship and this last week he contacted me. Well he made me an offer of marriage and was trying to buy me. He is a very weathy person. I told him many times I am with my husband and do not want to leave... He was not taking no for an answer. I then told him that i would think about it and pray about it, in hopes it would silence him(big mistake). I then found myself being hassled over it. I should have handled it differently and I quickly found myself being tempted by the money he was offering as it has been a particularly rough financial season. (I am ashamed at myself for the shallowness of this). Which led to a couple bad actions, which were augmented severely by the manipulation and guilt this guy was dishing out. Although nothing happened in the physical my heart wasn't in the right place and neither was my emailing behavior. To my shame there were digitals shared. When it wasn't sitting right I prayed and then tried to get away from the shades of the situation. I quickly found myself being blackmailed. I confessed to Justin what was going on. It blew up extremely from there. The guy ended up going psycho on me as I tried to get out of it. And he sent the digital to Justin and another person before we were able to block him and try to keep it from going further. Threatening me that he would keep harassing me unless I leave Justin to be with him. At this point Justin was fully involved and was standing up for me. Thank God that he was protective of me at this point. All this seems to have simmered down but, Justin says I have strayed from him again and it has greatly damaged my stand (I do not yet know by how much, but in Justin's eyes it's ended). I wish i had never replied to the initial contact, I can't believe I messed up in my stand.
This is so painful. Justin and I are still fighting so turbulently, and often. I really wish he would go with me to counseling again with a different person. I wish he would work on things with me. It's so hurtful and draining to be constantly rejected and unloved. Lord help me to keep standing when my spirit is week and faltering. Under so much attack. I'm not even sure why I am sharing all this, maybe I'm still dealing with the guilt of falling into more sin, in almost the same trap as before. I am thankful error was limited to the cyber would. But am still so angry with myself and wounded by the abuse this guy dished out especially in the aftermath. And the devastation of what this has done in terms of my stand. And the heartbreak of being outside of God's will and way. It was such a painful and emotional weekend. I feel so ashamed but also so violated. I'm struggling with how much of this is my own earned guilt and error. (It has brought back feelings of self blame from being molested when I was young.)
Justin says that he is 100% done. That half of him wants a divorce and the other half he doesn't know what he wants, but He says that there is no part of him that wants to be with me at all... ouch, but to toss it up and confuse me some more, Justin said he wants to sleep on the bed with me from now on because he says the couch isnt comfortable enough. Is it just me or does it seem that he says one thing and then does the other? Sorry this was such a long rant.
Lord forgive me and rescue me and restore me.
Always praying. ~Leanna
I have been keeping occupied with making my jewelry, having the kids in school and all of the events associated with that, been in bible study and in mops. My Grandmother had a stint in the hospital that was a very close call but she is better now and moved back into her assisted living facility. My brother suddenly moved with his wife and twins to Seattle. Most of our family is in Colorado so this is sad. But I'm not on the best terms with them so maybe the distance will help.
Along the lines of my marriage, some days I think we are getting better and some days I can't believe how bad out seems and wonder if it will ever get better or if it will continue to get worse. I had a pretty bad backside this last week...
Some back history of me, I was molested by a peer at the age of 8. Sometimes I still struggle with emotions and mindset from it. This has boiled to the surface in recent events and although I have gone through counseling at several different points in life there are still deep wounds there.
This last week I was approached via online by a male friend that I have spoken with for years but don't often talk to. I've always considered it a distant friendship and this last week he contacted me. Well he made me an offer of marriage and was trying to buy me. He is a very weathy person. I told him many times I am with my husband and do not want to leave... He was not taking no for an answer. I then told him that i would think about it and pray about it, in hopes it would silence him(big mistake). I then found myself being hassled over it. I should have handled it differently and I quickly found myself being tempted by the money he was offering as it has been a particularly rough financial season. (I am ashamed at myself for the shallowness of this). Which led to a couple bad actions, which were augmented severely by the manipulation and guilt this guy was dishing out. Although nothing happened in the physical my heart wasn't in the right place and neither was my emailing behavior. To my shame there were digitals shared. When it wasn't sitting right I prayed and then tried to get away from the shades of the situation. I quickly found myself being blackmailed. I confessed to Justin what was going on. It blew up extremely from there. The guy ended up going psycho on me as I tried to get out of it. And he sent the digital to Justin and another person before we were able to block him and try to keep it from going further. Threatening me that he would keep harassing me unless I leave Justin to be with him. At this point Justin was fully involved and was standing up for me. Thank God that he was protective of me at this point. All this seems to have simmered down but, Justin says I have strayed from him again and it has greatly damaged my stand (I do not yet know by how much, but in Justin's eyes it's ended). I wish i had never replied to the initial contact, I can't believe I messed up in my stand.
This is so painful. Justin and I are still fighting so turbulently, and often. I really wish he would go with me to counseling again with a different person. I wish he would work on things with me. It's so hurtful and draining to be constantly rejected and unloved. Lord help me to keep standing when my spirit is week and faltering. Under so much attack. I'm not even sure why I am sharing all this, maybe I'm still dealing with the guilt of falling into more sin, in almost the same trap as before. I am thankful error was limited to the cyber would. But am still so angry with myself and wounded by the abuse this guy dished out especially in the aftermath. And the devastation of what this has done in terms of my stand. And the heartbreak of being outside of God's will and way. It was such a painful and emotional weekend. I feel so ashamed but also so violated. I'm struggling with how much of this is my own earned guilt and error. (It has brought back feelings of self blame from being molested when I was young.)
Justin says that he is 100% done. That half of him wants a divorce and the other half he doesn't know what he wants, but He says that there is no part of him that wants to be with me at all... ouch, but to toss it up and confuse me some more, Justin said he wants to sleep on the bed with me from now on because he says the couch isnt comfortable enough. Is it just me or does it seem that he says one thing and then does the other? Sorry this was such a long rant.
Lord forgive me and rescue me and restore me.
Always praying. ~Leanna
