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Post by Sharon on Oct 22, 2016 12:07:02 GMT -5
My friends Steven and Bri came to visit and I knew Bri from our time in Texas when Chris was stationed for a few months. She was married and we were all friends me and Bri, Chris and her husband. Bri and Omar have divorced and no chance for restoration. I didn't realize this would happen but Bri is really nice and friendly with everyone and Chris is being super nice to her and friendly too. He was supposed to go to sleep because he has a 12 hr overnight tonight and Bri was playing the only song she knows on the piano this morning and Chris asked what she was playing. She told him and he stayed awake instead of going to sleep when we left. He texted me about 10 mins ago to ask for her number and I gave it to him. He texted her playing the song to show her he had learned it. And yesterday he was saying he we need to get her a ticket to come to the football game with us Monday. It was supposed to be our date. I am so scared. I see the situation with my friend Raquel playing over and over in my mind. She was my friend and she flirted and tried to sleep with my man and I am scared. Please pray for peace for me. Pray that Chris resists temptation. I'm supposed to be having fun seeing someone I love and missed and instead I'm afraid. The enemy is stealing my joy.
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Post by Mary H on Oct 22, 2016 13:57:55 GMT -5
Praying
I'm sorry your in this situation
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Post by marissaa91 on Oct 22, 2016 15:40:27 GMT -5
I'm surrounding you with prayer. I understand your fear but let it lead you to prayer without ceasing instead of some kind of destructive reaction. Also, it is perfectly ok to put up healthy boundaries in your marriage even with friends. Even if nothing HAS happened, boundaries are there to keep things from happening not to react after something has happened. If you don't want to invite her to the game, then don't. Enjoy that date with your husband. You can be kind and friendly with her without having her around all the time. I'll continue to pray.
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Post by Sharon on Oct 23, 2016 8:23:03 GMT -5
This is the text he sent this morning to me. "I found tickets for the game for them. Same section as us and row but seats 39 and 40 for 212.00 each. We can split up. You could sit with Steven and I with Bri since she's never been."
The enemy is definitely in this. There is no doubt about that. I prayed that God direct my words and I told him I need to talk to him.
We went back and forth. I told him I was feeling some kinda way about this and that I trust him, but I know the enemy is trying to steal my joy and attack me in this and I told him specifically the things that have happened over the last few days that make me know this is an attack from the enemy and he needs to be aware. I told him he has to be careful for himself because neither of us knows Bri's intention, but there is obvious attraction (at least to me) from her to him. He said that this is how he knows I will always be like this, because I always bring up things when there is nothing going on. I told him that is really unfair. That when he was cheating I didn't say "he will
Never change". I said "lord I know you have a plan for this man and he is not living that. Please help him" that if he sees these things in me, he should be praying for me. And I told him he is human and he has decided now to follow Jesus but that temptation will still follow him and he might fail again and he's human so God forgives that, but he shouldn't just pretend something happening here isn't what it is. Ultimately he said I was making things awkward and it was my fault for inviting her in the first place. He stills sees me as his enemy, instead of recognizing the enemy building up insecurity in me. I explained that the enemy lies to me too and asked him to pray for me. I am not sure what to think about all this. I am glad I told him how I was feeling because I don't think he intended this for evil, but it was going that way and it's like I was the only one who noticed and it might still continue that way if Chris is unwilling to hear me out. I haven't said anything to Bri but I don't know if I should.
That was all over text. He just got home and came in the room. I asked if he got my last text. He said no and he's not worried about all that. He rustled around the room a few minutes, kissed the baby, and left. He's gone downstairs now. Even though he woke up at 2pm yesterday, hung out all night, then went to work, he is not coming to bed. Is it because I am in the bed. He is so cold and it is constant. It's no wonder I see him being nice to a woman and I get jealous. He starves me for attention. I have to hang on to him to get a hug and he grumbles about it the whole time. Guys I don't know if I can stay strong and keep going with this. My heart is so hurt.
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Jealousy
Oct 23, 2016 8:41:04 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by marissaa91 on Oct 23, 2016 8:41:04 GMT -5
Pray about it and ask God to show you if you should talk to her or not. And if you should, ask him to guide your words. I'm glad you were honest Sharon and that it didn't explode into a huge fight at least.
Although when it came to these kind of situations, sometimes I would have to be less direct before being honest. Now I would've felt the same way had he told me to sit with someone else while he sat with a friend of mine. No go in my book but I would've said things like, "that's a lot of money for those tickets that I don't think we should spend right now. And besides I was looking forward to having a solo date with you. Could be fun just me and you."
It's honest without making them feel like you don't trust them right away. Now if he had kept persisting and suggested we sit apart then I definitely would've said something a long the lines of what you did.
I'm gonna keep praying for you today. For peace and breakthrough in this. I know this is hard and seemingly unfair but God will help you work through this.
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Jealousy
Oct 23, 2016 8:45:52 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by marissaa91 on Oct 23, 2016 8:45:52 GMT -5
I know it hurts Sharon. And he's being cold because he's angry. But try to cry or scream or whatever you feel for a minute or two by yourself and then pray. Sometimes what I do is I make a journal but I'm writing to God in it. You'd think it's the same as praying but writing down how you feel to God gives this feeling of release when it comes to restless feelings. Keep your head up and moving forward. God has you.
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Post by Sharon on Oct 23, 2016 10:03:47 GMT -5
Thank you Marissa. I felt this morning like pressing more in this discussion but I heard "Be still and know that I am God" in my heart and I kept my mouth shut. He has recently recognized how his actions hurt me on his own without me talking. He will never feel how I feel and he is not good at empathy, but God will convict him in the way that he will understand. Yesterday when I was praying and upset, I kept having God remind me to just be still. I can't fix this and I shouldn't try. It's hard, my heart hurts, I want to shake him, I want an immediate fix. It's not Gods plan and His plan is better then mine.
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Jealousy
Oct 23, 2016 10:11:01 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by marissaa91 on Oct 23, 2016 10:11:01 GMT -5
That's me too. I want an immediate fix or to finish the conversation now. Which hardly works so I understand. But listen to God and try and be still. Times are hard but God works even when it doesn't seem like it to us.
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Post by Adrienne on Oct 23, 2016 10:31:23 GMT -5
Hi Sharon, I'm just now seeing this. I can identify with you in that G is not very empathetic at all, and I agree with Marissa that I always want an immediate fix. But you are both right: sometimes we really need to remember to just take a step back and give God room to work.
I'm really sorry for this renewed hurt and frustration: it seems like this opposite sex friendship thing is a really tough insecurity trigger for you, and it definitely would be for me as well. I think you were in the right to express your feelings to Chris - honest communication is really important. Maybe let it sit for a little while and see what happens, then perhaps you can talk to him again with the "I really wanted this time as a solo date together" approach. I would also pray about whether to talk to your friend. It's complicated to pull someone else into the situation, so really pray for God's clear guidance on this.
And keep praying. If he is cold right now, or even "lukewarm" (trying to do the God thing and the world at the same time) that's not going to be permanent because God won't stand for it. But it's not our place to change these men; we just have to keep climbing back on that rock that is God's word and standing firm in HIS TRUTHS. "Eyes on God," sister. I am praying for peace in your heart and increased faith. I'm sending a big hug your way!
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Post by Eric W. on Oct 23, 2016 17:48:03 GMT -5
I want to stress prayer before talking to your friend. Honestly, if it isn't for spiritual/emotional advice from a trusted source, I would stress the importance of your marriage issues need to be between you, your spouse, and God. I know that is odd coming as this is a place for us to come for support for that very topic. I think all of us here, are trying our best to give Godly biblical advice. I don't know your friend, but if the devil is using her, or specifically her interactions with your husband as a tool to hurt you. I would advise against giving that tool more leverage.
I told my parents about how things were going with my wife, and I honestly don't know how that is going to go over after our restoration. They are angry at how things are going, that I deserve better, etc.
I will be praying for you both sister.
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Post by Sharon on Oct 23, 2016 20:30:23 GMT -5
Thank you guys for all your prayers. I was able to go out with my friends today and have a really good day. Jimmy Evans spoke at our church today about how we can break iniquity curses on our bloodlines and how we can join the bloodline of Jesus. He spoke about how God doesn't give us a spirit of fear. On the way home, I cast away this spirit that has been oppressing me. So I was able to have a good day with my friends.
When we got home though, I went to say hi to Chris in the basement and he passively kissed me without saying a word. I asked if he was mad and he didn't answer. I said why are you upset and he said aggressively "I'm not". I left. I couldn't stay there when he was being so mean and we had just had a nice day. Maybe 20-30 minutes later I went down to ask him if we should pay for our friends football tickets since this is the only reason they don't want to come. I had decided after spending the day with Bri that I am mis-interpreting her friendliness for flirtiness when that is not her intention. So I asked him and he didn't seem interested in paying for their football tickets. Chris was going into his office to do homework, so I texted Bri to have her come down and watch a movie with me. She came down and we were chilling until the baby needed a new diaper and I had to come upstairs. When I came back down, Bri was in Chris office helping him with his homework. He was smiling, laughing, and being really really nice. I just took my laptop and sat in the family room while they did homework. At some point I left and came upstairs. Bri came up to take a shower and Chris came up to mess with his piano. I had asked him earlier to record walking dead for her, so he did and she ran downstairs to watch it. And he went after her. I was right there trying to talk to him about his piano and he didn't speak to me, but he left to go sit with her. He's doing this on purpose? Or am I being overly sensitive? I thought maybe I was just being a baby, but I didn't feel like this until I came home and saw Chris. I definitely am not going to talk to Bri about this. She doesn't need to know about all this.
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Post by Adrienne on Oct 23, 2016 21:25:17 GMT -5
I'm glad you had a good day out Sharon; you deserve that!
I definitely understand how frustrating it can be when our spouses act this way, kind of passive aggressive, and I sympathize. There's no way to really know what Chris's head space is like right now, but please keep praying. It may not even really be necessary to know where he's at with this (although I know it's so hard not to know), because either way your behavior should be the same, right? To seek to show grace and respect, while also standing firmly by your convictions.
I often get sucked into this mindset where I think that if I do something wrong, G will cheat again, or will want to talk to other women, etc. But the reality is that we can't take that sort of blame on ourselves. Chris knows right and wrong. There's nothing you can do to control his choices in this situation, and we don't even know if there's really anything potentially starting. You've already mentioned your concerns to Chris, and I think maybe now it's time to stand back and let God work. Try to focus on enjoying your time with Bri and being extra loving towards Chris. He may be angry right now, but that's not your problem and (ideally) shouldn't change your behavior - he has to work through that on his own, but we as wives honor God by honoring our husbands despite their choices. (I hope this comes across the way I want it to, I don't mean it badly at all!!! I know how extremely hard it is - I myself fail at it every day - but remember eyes on God and He will put that inner peace back in your heart and fill you up with that love that only He can provide!!!)
I'll keep praying for you sister!!
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Post by Adrienne on Oct 23, 2016 21:31:55 GMT -5
Sharon, I don't have Facebook but I do have Instagram. Right after posting this I got on IG and I saw this post from a marriage support account that I follow (@lovehardermarriagecoaching):
"God, Help us see the issues our marriage is facing but not fix our eyes on them. May we never be fearful by what we see for we know that faith is the substance of things hoped for and the evidence of things not seen. Cause our faith to grow and our fears to die. Help us look towards the future you have for us, the future Christ died for us to have. In Jesus' name, Amen." Then the caption says: "Fix your eyes on Jesus, not your marital issues."
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Post by Mary H on Oct 23, 2016 21:38:13 GMT -5
I feel that bro has to be taken out of this equation.
I don't mean to be too direct, but I feel as if Another woman shouldn't be sleeping in the same house with your husband unless it's some type of emergency. I've been told from many wiser than I upright godly people that the opposite sec should never be left alone in the room with your spouse & vise versa. & thats without having a history of infidelity.
Because we are all humans & are no greater than the other so any of us could fall into the temptation of cheating.. even if just emotionally.
I feel that you should tell bri about this. If she is a Christ follower, then she will completely understand & your friendship will grow stronger. If she's not a Christ follower than she may seem offended or somthing & with draw.
I feel that with having another woman sleeping in your home, of even spending so much time there, is like putting a deer infront of a lion & expecting the lion to do nothing.
Chris has this temptation so I would do everything I could to help him rather than make it harder if that makes since.
As for him being cold to you I completely agree with adrienne. Just love him through it & most importantly, lean on Jesus more & more & emerse yourself in His word & His grace. Slap Satan in the face & take communion.
I'm praying for you guys
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Post by Sharon on Oct 24, 2016 1:54:41 GMT -5
Well when I was leaving today Chris was still acting cold and God reminded me about this quote I had as my background for my phone for a long time. It said the best way to be loving is to be completely happy no matter what. And God is my joy, so I need to be happy and not let. Chris determine my mood. And thank you Adrienne, because you reaffirmed this for me when you said our purpose is to show grace and respect while standing by our convictions. I am not supposed to be wallowing and expecting Chris to fix it. I'm supposed to be loving. When I remembered that I felt so uplifted that I ran back down the stairs and forced a hug and kiss on him and told him I loved him and he looked at my sideways like I was crazy, but that's okay because I've decided my joy is not in Chris. My joy is in the Lord. I just texted him now to ask him to continue praying for me and told him I will make sure to talk to him before I make decisions. Mary, you are right. I shouldn't have invited Bri to stay in our home with us. I thought it would be okay, but the enemy used it against me and I don't really think any of what I was seeing was actually happening. I do know Bri is a little jealous of my life and it's not fair to her either to put her around all this and it's not fair to me because I get paranoid and it's not fair to Chris because I threw him in the deep end when he didn't want to swim at all. I told him she was coming instead of asking his opinion, but if I had asked, I would have gotten the no go and none of this would have been an issue. God used this weekend though to do so much work in my heart and Bri is suffering and has been suffering for years with her ex husband. She loves him but they keep getting together and breaking up and I was able to minister a bit to her about it and talk with her about God and I will be praying now that some of it hits home for her.
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