Post by Sharon on Oct 7, 2016 11:26:21 GMT -5
Sorry to be posting again, but I'm finally realizing how I am feeling and it's kind of difficult.
Chris and I were spending time together last night and flirting and being nice to each other and he started to talk about how he is "abusive". He showed me some funny videos he watches of this guy who plays pranks on his girlfriend and was saying that he and I are like that, but sometimes this guy really goes too far and is abusive or hurtful to his girlfriend. One of the videos he showed me, the girl had "pranked" the boyfriend by cutting up his shoes and the boyfriend threw the shoes at the girlfriend because he was mad. Chris was saying he treats me a lot like this guy treats his girlfriend and that he's a mean jerk. I was not sure how to respond to it, because it was all in kind of a joking manner. But it is really not his fault that I've let him walk all over me all these years. I've been a door mat. He wanted something, I jumped and ran to get it. Of course he became spoiled. I treated him like my child instead of my husband. I've been letting him take care of himself more these days. He needed some medicine last night and got up himself and went to buy it and let me stay in bed. In the past, I would have insisted that I go do that.
So I've been better about letting him be in charge of things and be a servant to me too, but I feel like I'm running in circles emotionally. When he left to go to get the medicine, I started getting really down and depressed. You know there is a statistic that says that people who are suicidal don't kill themselves when things are their absolute worst. They do it when things start to get a little better and there is some hope, because they don't feel like they are deserving of that. They hate themselves. I am NOT suicidal, but I get that idea completely. Things are starting to look up a little in that Chris is becoming empathetic to me and wants to treat me a little better. And I have been down for so long, I don't feel like I deserve that. It's making me even more depressed. I don't feel worthy of love. I didn't realize that I still have these deep walls up. I thought I had torn the walls down when I decided to stop snooping and trust that God was taking care of Chris. But now that Chris is trying to be nice to me, I don't trust Chris at all. I am angry all over again for how he hurt me. And it's not for any logical reason, except that I don't think I deserve to be happy. I've been sad for so long, that I've gotten used to it and it's hard to just let that go. I know it sounds stupid like I'm just being whiny at this point. I'm just not sure how to get past this, because I know if I keep acting hurt when he's acting kind, it's really counter productive and it's going to discourage him from trying to make things right. We can't move forward if I can't get past this.
Chris and I were spending time together last night and flirting and being nice to each other and he started to talk about how he is "abusive". He showed me some funny videos he watches of this guy who plays pranks on his girlfriend and was saying that he and I are like that, but sometimes this guy really goes too far and is abusive or hurtful to his girlfriend. One of the videos he showed me, the girl had "pranked" the boyfriend by cutting up his shoes and the boyfriend threw the shoes at the girlfriend because he was mad. Chris was saying he treats me a lot like this guy treats his girlfriend and that he's a mean jerk. I was not sure how to respond to it, because it was all in kind of a joking manner. But it is really not his fault that I've let him walk all over me all these years. I've been a door mat. He wanted something, I jumped and ran to get it. Of course he became spoiled. I treated him like my child instead of my husband. I've been letting him take care of himself more these days. He needed some medicine last night and got up himself and went to buy it and let me stay in bed. In the past, I would have insisted that I go do that.
So I've been better about letting him be in charge of things and be a servant to me too, but I feel like I'm running in circles emotionally. When he left to go to get the medicine, I started getting really down and depressed. You know there is a statistic that says that people who are suicidal don't kill themselves when things are their absolute worst. They do it when things start to get a little better and there is some hope, because they don't feel like they are deserving of that. They hate themselves. I am NOT suicidal, but I get that idea completely. Things are starting to look up a little in that Chris is becoming empathetic to me and wants to treat me a little better. And I have been down for so long, I don't feel like I deserve that. It's making me even more depressed. I don't feel worthy of love. I didn't realize that I still have these deep walls up. I thought I had torn the walls down when I decided to stop snooping and trust that God was taking care of Chris. But now that Chris is trying to be nice to me, I don't trust Chris at all. I am angry all over again for how he hurt me. And it's not for any logical reason, except that I don't think I deserve to be happy. I've been sad for so long, that I've gotten used to it and it's hard to just let that go. I know it sounds stupid like I'm just being whiny at this point. I'm just not sure how to get past this, because I know if I keep acting hurt when he's acting kind, it's really counter productive and it's going to discourage him from trying to make things right. We can't move forward if I can't get past this.
