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Post by Sharon on Sept 26, 2016 10:14:05 GMT -5
Chris and I went to war last night, because Christian would not stay in his bed. At one point, I was angry at Christian and turned into "mean mommy" and screamed at him and put him back in bed. I told him he needs to obey and do the right thing and softened up, then prayed and tucked him in. When he got up again, Chris chased him back to bed with his belt and I ran after Chris telling him he better not whip that boy. When we went back to the room, Chris was yelling at me that I always undermine his discipline. That he was chased with a belt and he turned out fine. I was not yelling, but Chris was furious so he was impossible to talk to. I told him discipline doesn't have emotion in it, good or bad. If hes angry, he's fighting, not disciplining. If I'm kissing and hugging, I'm coddling not disciplining. He was angry and wouldn't hear me and went downstairs to sleep. I wrote this, but I haven't shared this with him. I would love some insight - should I share this? How do y'all think I should approach this?
"I'm trying to do what I feel is best for Christian. I don't want to make you angry or hurt you feelings, but a lot of the time I feel very alone with these kids. I know you don't deploy that often, but you were gone a month after Christian was born for 3 months and then you had tech school for 3 months and that entire time pretty much I was doing it alone. You lived on the base and I lived with Christian off. So yeah, I got used to being in charge the first year of his life and that's a big reason I can't give up control. I have forgiven you for the other women, but it doesn't mean that the false beliefs I developed in those times are gone. I do feel like I have to take care of me and my kids because you won't and you just think about yourself. Logically, I know that isn't true, but in my heart it's where I am. When I was in Texas, I was there for you, but you were screwing around on video chats with other women and it truly made me feel alone and abandoned. I didn't even have my family close. I felt abandoned with our kids and that I had to take care of me and the kids and not worry about you. I have to work on this. It's a spiritual issue and it's not going to just disappear because you are not talking to other women anymore. I do trust you and I know you won't do those things anymore, but I still have this belief that I have to take care of me and the kids first so it's putting a strain on me to let you have any control. I am sorry. I am praying about this and God will do work in my heart on this. And don't be angry at me for it. I am not perfect and you can't ask me to be. You can ask me to do the best I can do and pray for me that God will heal this in me.
I am going to try harder to back down and let you have control of disciplining your kids when you feel it is necessary, but I also need you to recognize the need for you in our family. You took Naomi for a few minutes the other day and brought her right back to me maybe 20 minutes later because she was distracting you from homework. You said the homework is being graded and I'm not being graded on what I do and this is for the better of our family that you get your degree. I agree with you that you need your degree and it will better the family. I don't feel cared for though. I don't feel taken care of by the things you do for the family. I worked the first 3 years of our relationship, while you tried your hand at two schools to
"Benefit us", which ended up hurting us and putting us in debt. You joined the military for us, but it's been a deployment for the better of our family, and you used it to take advantage of women. I am sorry, but I have wounds still and not talking about it doesn't make it go away. The last week of your Korea deployment, you said you needed $500 to get me a birthday gift and I believed you, so I scraped the money together out of our really tight budget and when you came home, you gave me a broken wallet. You didn't spend that on me, but it was supposed to be for my benefit. We have higher bills, a nicer car, more work, better pay, promotions, more school, more deployments. Somehow this is all going to benefit us someday. But all these years later I don't believe that anymore. I have a false belief that you care about yourself first and me and the kids get the leftovers. So I am extremely protective of my kids, because they are MINE! Like I said, I know in my logical brain this is not true, but in my heart I don't feel it. When do we take a break and enjoy what God has already blessed us with? When do we stop and enjoy these kids? Our nice house and car? Our marriage? I know in my head I am not alone, but in my heart I feel alone."
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Post by Adrienne on Sept 26, 2016 12:20:22 GMT -5
Hey, Sharon, God bless you sister. First off I want to say I'm sorry that you had this hard argument and that you're feeling hurt, alone, and emotional today. It's a hard place to be and I feel for you. I encourage you to stay in prayer and to try and seek the fruits of the spirit in the way you respond to Chris today - try to be patient and loving despite residual frustration over the conflict.
Regarding your letter specifically, I really recommend that you do NOT give it to him. Based on what you've described, the conflict last night was essentially over discipline. Specifically, it seems like you have different opinions on how to discipline your kids. However, the letter deals with the question of how to raise and discipline your kids very little - that's the supposed frame of the letter, but in reality, my perception is that the letter comes from an accusatory and bitter place of anger and resentment - anger over what he did in the past on deployments (instead of helping you) and resentment because he's trying to "control" the discipline NOW, but will be gone again on another deployment soon... kind of like you're thinking "How dare you try to tell me what to do now when you won't even be here to help me next spring?" So, according to what I'm seeing, you're really using the letter not to address the discipline issue, but rather to vent your continued anger over his sins in your marriage.
In my opinion, giving him a letter like this is a little like rubbing salt in the wounds. (I'm sorry if that comes off harshly!!!) You say in the letter that it's a "false belief" that he is selfish, and that you trust that he won't "do those things anymore" (i.e. be with / talk with other women), but by accusing him (listing off his record of wrongs in your book), you're essentially telling him that "the selfish cheater, irresponsible dad" is his permanent/long-standing identity in your book. Remember that we are called to speak in a way that edifies, and calls to the light in people, and that encourages that side of them to come forth.
So what I personally would recommend is to try and separate the current issue (discipline) from your continued feelings of anger and abandonment. I can kind of see three main topic lines that you maybe need to address with Chris, but I see them all as separate conversations:
1) Your residual feelings of hurt and abandonment and your struggle to forgive them completely (maybe this is something you're still working on; I know I am, which I posted about last week)
2) Your concern that Chris's selfish financial tendencies may continue and that you and your family will have to pay the consequences. Maybe, to make this less "abstract," you can work together to create some financial goals/guidelines or a budget
3) Your struggle to release control over the kids (and how they're raised) and your differing approaches to discipline.
The third topic seems to be the most immediately pressing since it's based on your conflict last night.. Maybe, as a way of expressing where you're coming from on this, you can explain in this conversation that you act a certain way because you're used to having the kids on your own and making all the decisions. But I would be really careful about your tone on that point or Chris might just get defensive (since he justifies his deployments as economically positive/beneficial for the family). Then, I would suggest that you try to work together to lay out a plan for the future. Maybe you can decide together what modes of discipline are appropriate and you can share your commitment to work on sharing the parental control and respecting his authority as the father. You can also perhaps share what behaviors trigger you into feeling unappreciative or defensive and thus reacting badly in certain situations (like when he doesn't show appreciation for your efforts as a mother).
Wow, sorry, I just wrote you a book! And I don't even have kids :-P So maybe none of this is really what you need to hear, but it's what came to my heart and mind as I thought about your situation. I'm sorry if any of it is offensive to you, I really don't mean it that way at all! Obviously, I encourage you to pray about it and do what God lays on your heart as right. I'll be praying for you too, sister. Keep us posted!
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Post by Sharon on Sept 26, 2016 12:29:41 GMT -5
Thank you Adrienne. I'm going to have to read this several more times to cement it in my head, but you are right. I want to be stubborn and shout from the roof that I am a victim and I am right, but everything you said is right. I am hurt still no matter how strong I want to be. Once again this isn't something Chris needs to fix. I have to pray more about this today so I'll post again a little later. Thank you..
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Post by Sharon on Sept 26, 2016 15:38:43 GMT -5
Hey so I read over this again and it really loosed some stress on my heart. Thank you for being straight Adrienne. I really need real friends like you who can tell me the things I don't want to hear because it's for my good. Thank you. I've decided to let this go for now. I told Chris this morning that I think we need to discuss the disciplining and we will, but in a calm place once we have prayed. The other issues I mentioned are things that I need to bring to God and lay down at the cross. I do feel alone, but God gave me a husband and I don't have to believe it's all on my shoulders. I could put more responsibility on him and he seems to want it, so I should. I need to stop carrying this like I am alone. Please pray for me, because this is really going to be a battle for me. Like I said before, logically it makes sense, but my heart is still hurt and won't give up the feelings so I need deep healing here.
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Post by Adrienne on Sept 26, 2016 18:07:25 GMT -5
Hi Sharon, thanks for letting me know how you're feeling. I'm glad you're feeling a bit calmer now; I have had this on my heart since seeing your post. I honestly think I wouldn't have had the perspective to respond the way it did if it weren't for what God showed me last week: my own lack of forgiveness and continued anger towards G. This is a journey that I think several of us are still walking, and we have to try and help each other continue giving it to God, over and over again. I will definitely be praying for you sister and I admire your resolve to keep taking it to the cross! We are together in this aspect of our stand, so let's dig in deeper together ("press in" like Mary always says) and fight for God and His will for our lives. He promises healing, and I have faith that in time, it will come.
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Post by Mary H on Sept 26, 2016 18:19:07 GMT -5
Sharon.. My heart goes out to you sister.. I swear tony and I had this exact situation before.. I agree with everything Adrianne said. I'm so glad u wrote the letter to get your thoughts and emotions out. That j helps us women so much. Please give it all to Jesus in your prayer closet tonight. All of it. Even the discipline. Simple say, I'm sorry I disrespected your parenting. I don't agree with it & I know your so much better than that. (Remember the scared influence book; maybe read it again.. I'm getting ready to) remember that you cannot fix this problem or Chris. Only pleading with the Lord for Him to intervene & trusting Him while u wait. This very night that u described is somthing I think about often, as it was such a huge issue with me and tony. He felt SO disrepected by me in a level that no one else could ever do. Stop him from physically hurting your could but out of love for HIM more than for your son or for your need to control. I saying this to myself too.. It's so hard! But it's Gods will.. He will not hear your words but he will see your godly character & changes you make because of God.
It's the only way anything will change- through your scared influence.
Praying for you
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Post by Sharon on Sept 28, 2016 23:33:59 GMT -5
Please keep my sister and I in prayers. Some very big issues happening with our parents and we need to have the Lords guidance to deal with this. Complicated issues to do with revenue in the business and horrible and false accusations and hurt feelings. Please pray for our business. Also for Chris. I don't know what's wrong with him, but he was mean and cold when I got home and pushed me away pretty much the entire night before he went to work. I was kind and am praying anyways. I don't think he loves me right now though. He just tolerates me these days and I am just pressing into God. I don't know what I can do.
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Post by pstokes522 on Sept 29, 2016 0:56:13 GMT -5
Sharon - being a military wife myself, I understand how easy it is to take control all the time, because we have ALL the responsibility so much of the time, it's hard to give up control & responsibilities when they are home. But I must tell you, my biggest regret now was having control of everything instead of letting David have control. I didn't understand what it meant to 'submit' and I tried to be the Proverbs 31 woman and do it all. But what really happened was I did not show D the proper respect. I wish someone had told me this truth while my kids were still young, and that D had a bigger part in their lives. Mind you, he wasn't asking for control (or responsibility) in fact his thought was 'you have to take care of everything while I'm gone, so I'm not going to take it away when I'm here'. I should have prayed and let God handle it and convict D to step up. One of the things he said when he asked for a divorce was that he had little to no input in any decisions in our lives. I know he was just grasping for things to try to blame me for so he could justify his affair, but there was probably some truth to it, way down deep inside. You should pray and then little by little try to turn things over to Chris. And then when he is deployed you can tell him how much you miss him, and one reason is because you have a hard time handling everything alone. Pray, pray, pray Girl - and God will guide you. I'm praying for you.
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Post by tkk2 on Sept 29, 2016 6:07:02 GMT -5
Sharon, I'm praying for you. Your wisdom and trust in the lord will guide you thru this season. I love how Adrienne broke this down into bite-sized pieces. And PStokes is right about submission. Keep loving him thru it ....God is working
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Post by Adrienne on Sept 29, 2016 13:19:37 GMT -5
I'm praying for you and your sister Sharon, your whole family, and also Chris. I hope all the business stuff gets sorted out. And I encourage you to stand firm in your deep love for Chris. He may be feeling frustrated right now but remember men process emotions differently than women do so he may be putting up a front of some kind. And keep praying! <3
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Post by Sharon on Oct 2, 2016 14:10:15 GMT -5
Thank you all for the prayers and encouragement! God has been giving me a huge peace. I am going to try to give up control and the little bit of responsibility I have let Chris take, it's obvious he wants me to let him be in charge. The baby was out of formula the other night and he offered to go to the store and normally I would say no I will do it and go myself but instead I let him go and told him thank you when he got home and it was a load off of me. And then I was at work late and couldn't pick up the kids so I asked him to and he did it happily. I mean it's dumb and I knew I "spoiled" him all these years doing everything for him and always saying yes to everything but letting him do stuff on his own and help me with things is going to take the weight off me and make him feel more appreciated too. I feel stupid not realizing all this sooner lol. After that night tho of standing back and letting him help with the kids, he asked me to go on date night with him and we had a really nice time. He was even doing corny things to make me laugh. It was like he turned into the old Chris I used to love. I really am praying hard these days and it's crazy how good some days are and how bad some are, but he does love me and God definitely is fixing this.
As far as the parents issues, I'm realizing they are struggling a lot with transitioning into retirement, not being in control of their business or their kids, and dealing with taxes and the IRS right now. I am mad and hurt about the way they are acting, but I want to forgive them because I know this is a difficult place in their lives and they need God. All I can do is pray and try to forgive.
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Post by marissaa91 on Oct 2, 2016 14:46:52 GMT -5
Glad things are turning around wth you and Chris! Keep praying and God will see it through.
I'm sorry about your parents but I'll keep them in prayers as well. I can understand that big of a transition being hard to adjust to. Just keep praying, try to understand, and like you said work on forgiving them for their behavior.
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