How can I really forgive? How can I heal?
Sept 19, 2016 18:46:44 GMT -5
Sharon and leandro like this
Post by Adrienne on Sept 19, 2016 18:46:44 GMT -5
Today I got home and I started an argument over something petty: I was jealous when I saw that G didn't have a picture in his phone for my contact. It turned into a two and half hour conversation in which we hashed it ALL out once again: my jealousy and insecurity, his infidelity, etc.
I ended up telling him that I was still incredibly angry at him for cheating on me, that I was trying to forgive him, but that every time something makes me feel insecure, the same anger wells up: I feel bad for picking fights over petty things, but at the same time I feel justified because it's "his fault" for cheating on me in the first place. He told me that it's incredibly hard for him to be monogamous because it goes against his "nature," his "identity," and his upbringing and life experience to this point... and that he's really trying but yet I keep nagging/pestering him even though he's doing his best, which is incredibly frustrating for him.
I am feeling so frustrated and lost, and just SAD. On the one hand, I do feel certain of my stand. I heard so clearly, from day one, that I was/am supposed to stay. I think G is SO BLINDED by the enemy, and that one day he is going to fall on his knees in incredible repentance, broken before God by the weight of his sin - that he will be transformed once he can truly accept God's grace, that his stone heart will be turned to one of flesh. And I told him this - I think it was maybe the first time I've ever quite said it that way to him, so directly. He just repeated his same old tune, that he thinks he will always feel the way he does and that he is sure he will end up alone because "that's what he deserves" and I'll leave him eventually.
Yet, although I feel certain in my stand, I also feel so angry at myself for being unable to forgive. Have I truly not forgiven him, two years later? Why do I still have so much fear and crippling insecurity, almost every day? Is it that my eyes are too much on him and not enough on God? I just want to heal... I want to be able to not have this fight at least once a month, every month. I'm so tired. I feel lost and broken and I just don't know what to do anymore to be okay. I feel so selfish saying it, but I feel like this man ruined my life. How can I forgive? What are the steps? I feel like I need instructions (oh wait, that's why I have God's word... right?)
Is it really just simply that I've taken this on myself when I need to be laying it back on the cross? I know *I* can't fix this, so why am I trying to? I know I have to give it back to God... please pray for me friends. Any advice or encouragement is also very welcome.
I ended up telling him that I was still incredibly angry at him for cheating on me, that I was trying to forgive him, but that every time something makes me feel insecure, the same anger wells up: I feel bad for picking fights over petty things, but at the same time I feel justified because it's "his fault" for cheating on me in the first place. He told me that it's incredibly hard for him to be monogamous because it goes against his "nature," his "identity," and his upbringing and life experience to this point... and that he's really trying but yet I keep nagging/pestering him even though he's doing his best, which is incredibly frustrating for him.
I am feeling so frustrated and lost, and just SAD. On the one hand, I do feel certain of my stand. I heard so clearly, from day one, that I was/am supposed to stay. I think G is SO BLINDED by the enemy, and that one day he is going to fall on his knees in incredible repentance, broken before God by the weight of his sin - that he will be transformed once he can truly accept God's grace, that his stone heart will be turned to one of flesh. And I told him this - I think it was maybe the first time I've ever quite said it that way to him, so directly. He just repeated his same old tune, that he thinks he will always feel the way he does and that he is sure he will end up alone because "that's what he deserves" and I'll leave him eventually.
Yet, although I feel certain in my stand, I also feel so angry at myself for being unable to forgive. Have I truly not forgiven him, two years later? Why do I still have so much fear and crippling insecurity, almost every day? Is it that my eyes are too much on him and not enough on God? I just want to heal... I want to be able to not have this fight at least once a month, every month. I'm so tired. I feel lost and broken and I just don't know what to do anymore to be okay. I feel so selfish saying it, but I feel like this man ruined my life. How can I forgive? What are the steps? I feel like I need instructions (oh wait, that's why I have God's word... right?)
Is it really just simply that I've taken this on myself when I need to be laying it back on the cross? I know *I* can't fix this, so why am I trying to? I know I have to give it back to God... please pray for me friends. Any advice or encouragement is also very welcome.
