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Post by marissaa91 on Jun 27, 2016 2:56:51 GMT -5
Lately Garrett and I have been doing good. Really good, besides him deciding to get high again. But when he came to me about it we agreed that I didn't condone it but that if he did do it to 1. Be honest with me. 2. Not do it all the time 3. Not in front of me and 4. To go see a doctor if it's really for "medical" use.
Well fast forward and he's done it in front of me on a few occasions recently for various reasons and done it more often. We've had discussions about it recently and I thought he understood when he agreed. Well today him and some friends decided to randomly go to San Fran really late in the evening. Just to get out of town and be spontaneous he said. No. They all got high multiple times. Even after I was visibly upset and told him why. He kept doing it and gave me some excuses. All I could do was walk away and cry in frustration, hurt, and anger. They all left me alone while I cried. Even now that we're back in the car headed home in tearing up. I'm so upset. I don't know what to do, I feel like I'm at the end of myself.
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Post by Eric W. on Jun 27, 2016 8:10:46 GMT -5
The end of ourself is a scary place to be, but it is exactly the best place for God to show his mighty power. When we have nothing left, he can step in and we and those around us know it could only be done by his power, his glory, and his will. I will be praying for you sister.
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Post by Mary H on Jun 27, 2016 8:16:55 GMT -5
You can't control him sister
He will do what he wants.. Will you love him anyway? Will you show him love despite this vast problem?
Remember, satan has a stronghold on his mind. Your enemy isn't Garrett. He won't be delivered from this by your letting him know what you think is best. He will be delivered by God alone with you praying & trusting God with this daily. Do you believe Jesus power dwells within you? Do you believe God has better in mind for Garrett than getting high? Do you believe God works miracles? Then Garrett WILL be delivered from this stronghold. But you have to step back & let the Holy Spirit work.. Pray & do the famous RMM rule & "zip the lips" trust Jesus
Garrett knows you don't like it.. The more you tell him or make it known by body language, the less he genuinely wants to stop.
Send the enemy for a worl & rest in Gods love & faithfulness to you, & greet Garrett with hopeful eyes & a smile. Lean on Jesus & His strength & trust Him.
This won't break you Marissa. Your a very strong & wise woman. Praying for you sister
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Post by leandro on Jun 27, 2016 9:18:47 GMT -5
Marissa, María is right in that the more you tell a person to do what Is correct the more they want to do the opposite, specially when is someone close that is telling them to do something. My only advise is to pray and let him be, I've noticed that I cannot say or do anything that will change my wife so I just gave up and left it all to God.
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Post by Sharon on Jun 27, 2016 14:06:21 GMT -5
I understand your frustration because Chris and I did the same thing. We made rules about what was okay sexually and what wasn't, and he kept breaking the rules and I kept believing the lies that he didn't understand the rules or that I wasn't clear and kept making more rules and it just continued. It took me years to realize - Gods rules are crystal clear. This is from God or this is from the enemy. Anything that is dark can not be from God. And when I realized that, it made sense that I can not make rules. God already made them. If Garrett is living a godly life, he has to live according to Gods rules. He should not be accountable to you for his sin. He will stand before God one day and be accountable for that. So my advice to you is tell Garrett that this is his life. If he wants to smoke pot smoke pot. Just understand that he is accountable to God for it and if he chooses to sin against God, he is facing Gods consequences, not yours. Once I stopped trying to control Chris and explained that he has to self control and not for my sake, but for Gods, he started feeling heavily convicted because every sin he did was against himself and against God. I told him he knows I want monogamy completely. He knows what I want. If he chooses to live a life of sin, I am not condoning or condemning. I completely detached and stopped caring. Of course if Garrett does it in front of you, leave. Go pray. He knows what you want and he's choosing to go against you, but no. More then that he's choosing to go against God, so let him! Don't stand in Gods way. Let Garrett sin against God and face Gods consequences. It won't be long before he realizes he's paying a very high price.
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Post by pstokes522 on Jun 27, 2016 18:08:32 GMT -5
The others have said it all. Not really anything I can add except that I'll be praying for you & Garrett.
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Post by marissaa91 on Jun 27, 2016 21:37:26 GMT -5
Thank you all for the prayers and words of wisdom. Last night when we came home he started to talk and I told him I didn't want to talk about it anymore. I laid on the bed and began sobbing. He laid next to me and held me. He tried to explain but I said I was tired of talking about a compromise that isn't working. He apologized and said he hated seeing me like that. That he was gonna try and do his best to change. I prayed and then we eventually fell asleep. Then today, I'm sleep deprived and still very annoyed, I come home from work (12:30pm) and he's still asleep. I get into bed, annoyed, he wakes up and I do what I shouldn't, I bring it up and we argue. It goes in circles for a bit but turns into him saying I had a right to be upset but that I didn't understand how all of "it" works. Then I cried and talked about God and how it's hard for me to let Him work in His way and His timing. That I can't be accountable for his walk,sin, and repentance. That I don't know what his relationship with God is. That I don't want to feel walked on or disrespected; I hate feeling that way but that my anger doesn't change God's timing or way and that his actions are his alone. We eventually made up but I don't know what steps to take from here.
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Post by Adrienne on Jun 28, 2016 11:33:06 GMT -5
Hi Marissa. Sorry I haven't chimed in on this, but I have been reading the posts and I have been thinking about you two. I think all of our friends have given you very good input.
I don't know if I've ever told you this, but I used to be addicted to marijuana; I smoked it daily for several years as a teenager and in my early 20s. It's a very easy habit to justify because it seems so mild and harmless, so I can understand Garrett's perspective in that sense. It seems similar to my husband's defense of his love of going out clubbing.
I know it is hard to watch our husbands do something we know is wrong; it's hard to arrive at any successful compromise because as Sharon said, it's not really up to us to make the rules - God's "rules" are quite clear and He doesn't need our help!
That being said, I really sympathize with your struggle to negotiate this: to support your husband yet also stand up for yourself and stand up for what you know is right. I encourage you to continue showing love, to be honest when you are feeling hurt, but to try to speak without judgment. I think sometimes G has felt that I look down on him for the activities that he pursues, and when he feels that way, there's never a possibility of positive communication. Yet when I stand back a bit from it and let him make his own choices, he is more respectful over all and is more caring towards me. I know it's a hard line to walk, especially since we are emotionally invested.
I don't know if any of what I've said is helpful at all, I feel a bit like I'm just rambling - sorry. I just want to encourage you to keep praying and keep trying, and validate you that yes, this is really hard, but you're not alone, and God's still with you. This isn't over and God will have the last word.
Hugs.
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Post by Sharon on Jun 29, 2016 8:27:21 GMT -5
Something that really helps me keep my focus is to step out of my own hurt and look at the situation as my husband hurting God, not necessarily me. I want to stand against my husband, because he is wrong and acing in sin, but I am not in charge of him. So instead I appeal to his superior, God, who is also hurt and even more so then I am, about the poor decisions of my husband and wants to correct his actions and actually has the ability and authority to do so! I have had to learn and practice not sharing all my cards with Chris. My best friend calls it "not casting my pearls before swine". Not sharing my feelings with this man who doesn't let my feeling motivate him to do the right thing. Yes, he doesn't want to hurt me, but he much more wants to please himself then please me. It's his sin nature to put himself first, just like it is my sin nature to try to control him. But I can't control him. And he can't put your feelings before his. Not without God! So Marissa, don't stop praying. Do stop worrying about Garrett. Put whatever you feelings you have about what he is doing aside and even if it hurts you, don't show it to Garrett. Instead, take your sorrow and sadness privately to God. When Garrett isn't getting all the information like he is used to. When he isn't getting the responses he expects. When he is being convicted and it's not coming from your mouth, he will realize he is acting against God and against himself, not just against you.
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Post by william on Jun 29, 2016 17:14:56 GMT -5
Sister Marissa,
This is tough, I agree with keep praying for him but be careful not to pass judgment (although it is justifiable for you). My feelings on it is that he is using it as a crutch for something down deep that he doesn't want to or know how to discuss within himself. The verse that comes to my mind when praying for you both is
1Corinthians 10:13
No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.
I will be praying more for you both regarding this during my daily prayers.
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Post by marissaa91 on Jul 2, 2016 23:23:20 GMT -5
Thank you all. Sorry I haven't replied, I've been so busy finishing up summer school at work. Adrienne your testimony did help me some. Like all the other times a few days have gone by and he got frustrated with the compromise that he made. I got frustrated and told me him I'm done fighting about this. That he answers to God, not me, I hate this and I hate arguing. I'm continuing to pray for this situation because that's all I can do. Thank you all.
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Post by Adrienne on Jul 3, 2016 10:56:54 GMT -5
Thanks for the update, Marissa. I continue in prayer for you both! I know what you mean about getting frustrated. Sometimes we just have to take a step back. Like I said, I'll keep praying for you and I hope the rest of your summer school and work goes well!
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Post by marissaa91 on Jul 11, 2016 10:26:43 GMT -5
Update:
His smoking has gotten worse. It's a lot now. We were fighting about it a lot until I gave up and told him I'm tired of fighting and crying. He also tired to fight with me the girl he kissed when were apart and about going to church yesterday. It came out of nowhere but we did eventually go to church and the word was on point! It was exactly for us. When I asked him what he thought that night he said he knew right away it was God speaking to Him. He said the first verse the pastor read before the message started was the first verse he ever memorized! So that's something. But I've come to realize this morning that he has huge control issues. That's where some of our fights stem from. I think the Lord gave me this revelation so I know how to pray. Please pray for him as I am now praying for God to work in him even if it means he falls again. Also, there's a concert on Friday we have tickets for. His friend and friends gf (girl my husband kissed when we weren a apart) will be there. We have tickets but I don't feel strong enough to be around that. I don't want to put myself in a negative situation on purpose. Please pray for us for that too, I don't want my husband upset if we don't go. Thank you all!
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Post by Adrienne on Jul 11, 2016 19:54:48 GMT -5
Marissa, I'm sorry that the smoking has increased. I know it's really hard to watch.
I continue in prayer for you both and will be praying about this control problem that you've realized he has.
And I'll also pray for God to guide re: the concert! I know that it would be hard. I have had to make similar decisions... Often I have gone with G but tried to turn it into a compromise and growing experience somehow. Something along the lines of "this is hard for me, so how about we go because I know you want to, but we leave early and then go do something special just the two of us?" I try to make it clear what aspects are difficult for me and exactly how he can help support me the way I need him to. But pray about it and maybe talk to Garrett about it so you can think it through and get clarity on what God wants! :-)
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Post by Sharon on Jul 11, 2016 20:31:07 GMT -5
About the concert, I really don't think you should go if you are not ready to face that issue. We had a situation a few months ago where I allowed us to go hang out with a couple we had been friends with benefits with. We were just hanging out as friends and they knew we weren't doing any of that anymore, but it opened up a door to my husband getting in touch with his wife and it became bad really fast. I just think if you have a bad feeling about it, trust that feeling. Don't go. Even if you have to let him go alone and it hurts his feelings. Would you rather spend time with your husband and someone you aren't ready to face or would you rather spend your time with God? I am praying Marissa. This is really hard.
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