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Post by Sharon on Jun 11, 2016 18:55:19 GMT -5
I need to stop. I am so angry today. Chris came home and wanted to take the kids out which I was happy about. My stepdaughter is with us now for the summer so we have to have 5 seats and he was insisting on taking his car which only has 4. I told him again and again that we wouldn't all fit in his car and he kept telling me to take the kids in my car and he'll drive his own car. Okay...my car has 6 seats. Why can't he just come with the family in my car? He says he doesn't want to be in my "disgusting car". No...my car is really nice and really clean. I make sure of that. He's making every excuse he can thing of...again. I'm just getting fed up and exhausted. I'm so dang tired of listening to all his excuses for why he wants this or that. Why can't he just tell me the true reason? If it's that he loves his car and wants to only ever be seen in his car fine say that. Right now he's making me feel like he doesn't want to be with our family. He just does this all the time. He has to stay in a hotel in Denver for his military weekends because it's too much gas to drive home. I did that commute for 6 years and we paid for my gas somehow. The real reason is he doesn't want to do the drive two days in a row. Which is a fine reason...why can't he say that? Because when he makes excuses it makes it sound like he wants to be away from us. I mean I don't get it! I just don't. It's like lying, because he just can't say the true reason. Ugh...I'm sorry I know I want so bad to be thankful and joyful but right now I'm just so tired.
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Post by Mary H on Jun 11, 2016 20:14:26 GMT -5
I'm sorry your experiencing this Sharon. Somthing that's been helping me is using my ear buds & listening to random chapters of the Bible on the Bible app. I will pray for strength & patience for you, and for Chris to be blessed with Gods presence.
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Post by Sharon on Jun 11, 2016 22:07:05 GMT -5
Thanks Mary. We talked and he said he knows what I'm going to say - that I never get anything I want. I told him well it's true tell me an example of me getting something I wanted recently. He said "a loyal husband". I had a really hard time being mad after that. I really am praying that this is true and that God will put this over our marriage.
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Post by Mary H on Jun 11, 2016 22:12:23 GMT -5
Wow.. What a response!
Maybe because he's been working at staying faithful lately he's finding other ways to be.. Well, for lack of words, a butt head.. Lol so making a thing out of driving his car was one of thoes maybe?
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Post by Sharon on Jun 12, 2016 5:27:57 GMT -5
Yeah Mary I think you are right. The enemy really wants to ruin us. My son is sick and vomiting and has been for about an hour now and at first Chris came out and was lecturing me about letting the boy eat candy instead of doing anything helpful. I said thank you and he went back to bed, but my son has been at it for an hour. When I went into our room, Chris had his headphones on (I guess so he didn't have to listen to Christian vomiting) and the baby was crying uncontrollably so she had been that way for a while, but I couldn't hear her while I was with my son. So I'm trying to calm her down. Chris finally got up and went to the basement to sleep and left me to deal with screaming baby and vomiting toddler. Thanks...ugh. I wish I could stop being angry at him, but this is typical. What's the worst part of all this is he makes me feel guilty for having every day life problems. He never had to deal with things like this when he was with his girlfriend last year. It was just non-stop fun, drinking, sex, and income. No responsibilities. So it's like I can't even ask him to help without me being a horrible wife who is dragging him down. I am sure I am reading a lot into this. I am just so frustrated. Seriously...I'm glad that he's trying to be a better husband when it comes to the cheating, but at this moment it feels like too little way too late. My heart is getting hard again...
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Post by Mary H on Jun 12, 2016 7:01:09 GMT -5
Oh no.. I'm so sorry.. I hope your son is feeling better this morning. This sounds just like somthing Tony would do. I really truly believe they aren't the enemy. They are so very blinded & deceived. & the enemy is using situations like these to lead us astray a bit in our hearts. I know it's hard, but try to grow closer to Christ with this situation. Ask Him where the pride is within you & how you can humble yourself before Him. how you can grow from it.
That is why it's being allowed after all.
I believe the reason each one of our spouses hasn't been won over by the Father yet is because there is still things that we must learn & become stronger in.
Try to use this seemingly impossible situation for your growth. Resist the enemy by praising God every few mins & not letting satan use your emotions for a foothold. I understand all of this is easier said than done, but we can do anything through Christ as our strength.
I'm lifting you & your family up this morning.
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Post by Sharon on Jun 12, 2016 10:54:18 GMT -5
Thank you sister you're absolutely right. I do have a lot of pride and believe I do the right thing most of the time and judge Chris, because I feel like he doesn't. He doesn't' have to do things my way for it to be right. And you are right! I preach it all the time that every disappointment is an opportunity to grow and learn from the Lord and here I am complaining instead of seeking God. Thank you for the reminder. I am going back to my bible now and I'll let you know later how things are going.
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Post by Mary H on Jun 12, 2016 11:02:28 GMT -5
I'm so glad! Sometimes even though we know the truth, we need each other to hold us accountable & remind us of truth so we can focus. I know that's how it is with me.
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Post by Adrienne on Jun 13, 2016 11:21:47 GMT -5
Sharon, I often have this same problem: ANGER. All of Mary's words were right on point! I hope you are doing better today! Remember God understands our anger and He has got our back despite it. He just wants us to leave it at the foot of the cross... I will continue praying for you my friend.
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Post by Sharon on Jun 13, 2016 14:41:35 GMT -5
Thanks Adrienne. I'm doing okay. I went and prayed for a while and was able to calm down a bit. For me, my relationship with God, I'm good and have peace. I think I'm getting to a place where I am not sure how I feel anymore about Chris though. I love him, but I'm getting indifferent these days. Like he could stay or go but my life will still be the same. My heart stung deeply today because I had a moment of remembering our honeymoon to Japan a few years ago and some painful things that happened on that trip flew into my mind and it made me angry again, but I'm trying to avoid these thoughts. I don't know...it's hard to explain how I feel, but it's like I just don't really like him. We were supposed to go to church Friday. I went to the house to get him and he said he would come in his own car a half hour late because he wants to skip worship. He texted me when the sermon was starting to say do I mind if he doesn't come and he'll make it up to me. When I got home he had done the dishes and said that was him making it up to me. Okay...this isn't supposed to be about me. Don't come to church for my sake. Come for your own relationship with the Lord. It's not my job to make sure he's got God. That reaping and sowing devotion I posted makes a lot of sense though. I have always covered for Chris and he doesn't get the consequences of his actions. But one of those consequences now is that I'm fed up and tired and ready to give up. I don't trust anything he says or does and I have to read more meaning into his words and actions. Over the weekend Chris said he wants to get this piece for his car radio - another $300. I told him we can't afford it. We got $1700 extra in the budget (praise God because he definitely provided that because I was faithful financially when we were struggling), but I paid it to our debt instead of letting him have the money, because if he gets this thing, then he will move on to wanting the next thing like he always does. Sorry I am rambling so much. I'm just in this place now where I love Chris, but it's hard for me to care about him right now. He doesn't care about me and I know I'm worth more then what he acts like I am.
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Post by Sharon on Jun 13, 2016 22:47:12 GMT -5
He's selfish. We started talking about the issue because I mentioned we could take time off in August to go see his family and he started insulting me and saying he can't just take off time wildly like me. It was so flipping mean cause he knows I haven't had any vacation days in a year and a half and he went to Korea and Florida both in that time. I told him we need to talk and I'm frustrated because of all the excuses he makes and he says they're all the truth and I mentioned the thing about the two cars the other day and he said he loves his car and he wants to always be in his car. I said fine, but he is always insistent on doing things his way and if we don't do it his way, he won't do it at all. I didn't say selfish, but it is. I'll tell y'all it. He is selfish and I can't stand it anymore. I'm going to just do what I want with the kids and to hell with him. If he comes fine but if not whatever. I don't care anymore. I'm so frustrated and angry and I just can't stand him anymore.
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Post by Sharon on Jun 13, 2016 23:13:22 GMT -5
Thank you guys for letting me have a place to just pour out my frustration. I need prayer for wisdom and clarity. I know there is nothing I can do here. I know fighting with Chris is not going to help. I know nagging won't help. I know apologizing won't help either. He needs God and all I should be doing is praying for him. Nothing else. Proverbs 9:8 says "Do not rebuke a mocker or he will hate you; rebuke a wise man and he will love you." Chris won't hear anything I say and that's fine. I mean I know I say a lot of what is from me and not from God, but he won't hear what I say and he won't hear what God shares with me either without getting angry and "hating me". I have to keep praying. Thank you for sharing that book power of a praying wife Mary. I am starting it tonight. I have to pray and be faithful to God. I have to press on. God lift me up please. “Instead of your shame you will receive a double portion, and instead of disgrace you will rejoice in your inheritance. And so you will inherit a double portion in your land, and everlasting joy will be yours.” Isaiah 61:7 God shared this with me tonight and I know He is working. Chris is fighting something in his spirit right now. It is not me. I don't know what is wrong or why he is hurting, but God knows so I am giving Chris up to Him. Lord please take control and help lead Chris towards You. I know he will have so much peace if he can find you Lord. God help me get out of the way again. I can't fix this in my strength. Only you can. I have to stop pursuing him and instead pursue and allow you and him to pursue each other
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Post by Sharon on Jun 14, 2016 7:55:14 GMT -5
Sorry for all the updates. God got me up early to talk today and reminded me that he is building up faith in Chris right now and I can't put too much on him. He won't overnight become this amazing on fire for God man. It's a gradual building that God is doing in him and right now I have to be patient. I have to be responsible and do my duties as a good wife and mom. If we start to get into it again, I need to just walk away.
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Post by Mary H on Jun 14, 2016 15:21:56 GMT -5
I wish I had some advice or comforting words
But I'm praying for you Shoron
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Post by Sharon on Jun 14, 2016 17:36:16 GMT -5
Thank you Mary that is all I need!  God is good and no matter what He has me in His hand. |
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God is good and no matter what He has me in His hand.