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Post by Mary H on May 22, 2016 20:05:44 GMT -5
Of giving up. He verbally & emotionally abuses me..he calls me stupid & retarded.. He criticizes everything I say & do.. Today he threatend to kill me! I'm not sure if he's on drugs or what but he has serious issues! For a few days he will be so kind & loving, then he will go into hate mode for no reason...I'm so tired of being a door mat... He says he wants nothing to do with me because he can't let go of his past hurt.. Then a few days later he will be saying he loves me, kissing me, & being kind.. He stays out till 2am & is constalty getting high & drunk.. Hardly even buys diapers for the kids.. Yet drives a brand new car, buys himself new clothes & weed, cigs, alc & fast food.. He controls everything we do.. Don't want me to get a job because he don't want the kids being in childcare, yet won't buy the kids anything they need.. I had to scrounge up the kids piggy bank change to get them sippy cups & tooth brushes.. We live in my dads house for free & he won't help them financially at all.. He complains about any & everything.. Blames me for if he stubs his own toe type of thing.. I could go on & on & honestly I feel a lot better getting this out a bit right now.. Not sure if that's good or not.. The enemy has been tempting me with thoughts of finding a godly husband.. To leave Tony.. I texted him the other day after he came home at 2am, refused to talk & told me he won't talk talk to me because I'm effing retarded..I texted & told him I'm done.. I asked him to talk again today & he said no & got off the phone.. I asked him if he would like to move out & he wouldn't respond.. I'm so so very close to packing his things, taking the ring off, & begin looking for a godly husband.. Someone please help me see this from the right perspective because the enemy is really messing with me
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Post by Eric W. on May 22, 2016 20:43:34 GMT -5
Mary,
I want to advise you against divorce to find a godly husband. If a seperation or divorce is what God is calling you to do, to open your husband's eyes to his truth, then I would tell you to follow the Lord in all things, but this sounds to me, more like a give up and start over. I believe that is the wrong decision.
He may not be acting husbandly, or fatherly, or even godly, but he is your covenant husband and the father of your children. I can't fathom all the stress and responsibility you are bearing,sister. All I can offer is the suggestion to give it over to God. If he is telling you to pull back and seperate to open his eyes and give you some space from the situation, then do so, at God's calling, but I urge against a moving on, replacing mentality. You are in my prayers sister.
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Post by Adrienne on May 22, 2016 22:02:22 GMT -5
I'm with Eric on this one, Mary. The urge to "replace" our current, "bad" spouse with a "good" one is definitely something I have also experienced. But like Eric suggested, that isn't God's plan for us in this stand...
I'm so sorry for the pain and stress you are dealing with and for the ways that Tony's behavior adds to it all. Maybe you do need to have a bit of time apart to allow God to work in you both: I recommend you pray about this and ask God to make it clear to you if that is His will. But remember to be careful about your perspective, which again, Eric has stated well... We don't take a step back with the intention of moving on, but rather, of giving God space to work!
I feel like I say it all the time (to myself also, because I fail at it constantly), but: EYES ON GOD. Remember not to focus on what Tony is doing... try to look to God as much as possible.. Remember what Paul says: to be joyful and grateful to God in every situation. I know it is hard but it's even harder when we focus so much on what our spouses are doing that is hurtful.
I know you can do this Mary, because I know God is with you and will continue to strengthen you! Don't give up, just take it one day at a time and focus on God and your kids. Our Lord will get Tony straightened out; our God does not ever give up! Praying for you, my dear friend!
(And I think it can be healthy to vent a little in a safe space to get it off your chest. I know it has really helped me to be able to do so on here. Just remember not to dwell in that place of anger... Get it out and then let God cleanse you of it and onwards and upwards!)
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Post by marissaa91 on May 23, 2016 0:13:33 GMT -5
I agree with them. I would wait, take a deep breath and pray about it. I completely understand and can relate to some of what you've stated but when things get tough hold onto God.
A friend of mine was recently on the brink of divorce. Her husband was on severe drugs, did a lot of what you described, and more. He cheated, she even caught him, and he threatened a lot of people and did a lot of damage. So she separated but her and his family kept praying. Things escalated to a dangerous level at one point but she stood firm, prayed and didn't let him back in her life until God did a work in him. Then the next thing you know, unexpectedly, he got clean and went to rehab. Today, I believe he was on a visit, and they were sitting together for the first time in church this morning since he went to rehab. The point I'm trying to make with this story is even though it's a mess right now God will redeem it somehow. And if He leads you to separate again then let His will be done. But always make sure that the moves you make are His will and not your own. I know it's hard and stressful. You don't deserve to be treated badly but God will bless you for your obedience. I'll be praying for you.
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Post by Sharon on May 23, 2016 9:07:31 GMT -5
The enemy has such a tight grip on Tony and he is doing the same thing he has seen work again and again. He tempts Tony to be selfish and hurtful and mean towards you, you get hurt obviously and angry, and the marriage suffers. This is ALL the enemy and he's seen it work again and again so he will try it again and again. Break this Mary. When Tony is cruel, just walk away. Don't say a word to him, but go straight to your war room and find your comfort in God. Express your anger and frustration to him. Pray the enemy away from Tony. I know so well how easy it is to react to the situation and I've fallen into that so many times, but as many times as you threaten or react back with anger, it never changes him. Because it's a spiritual battle and you're fighting it with weapons that don't work in the spiritual realm. Fight the enemy, don't fight Tony. He's a tool being used by the enemy to distract you, but try to see every fight as an opportunity to run to God and hide behind his shield and let him fight for you. Don't lose those opportunities by trying to fight this alone.
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Post by pstokes522 on May 23, 2016 9:45:22 GMT -5
Reading your words brings back my thoughts 3 years ago to find a 'Godly husband' since Dave was totally absent from our lives. I felt like I was getting older and would get too old to find a life partner. After we separated (a move I pushed for and now regret with all my heart) I was sitting in church and God spoke to me that he was going to bring me a Godly husband and it would be D. I actually argued with God for a few minutes, that I didn't want D, I wanted a Godly Husband and he was anything but Godly. But, God was persistent he would bring D home and he would be the Godly husband I desired. Now here we are, three + years later and we're divorced and he has OW in his life that he's moving on with. (She was there all along, I just didn't realize it.) Anyway, that day in church when God spoke to me, I began my stand. I didn't even know what standing was, I just knew I had to obey God. I questioned why God didn't speak to me BEFORE I asked for a separation, but maybe He tried and I just didn't hear him. I don't know - what I do know is that God is working everything together for my good and one day, D is going to return to me and my family. And He's using this time to change me. He is also working everything out for good for you and every other stander here. Praise God for his faithfulness.
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Post by leandro on May 24, 2016 14:12:06 GMT -5
Maryh i know your situation is getting to a point where you can no longer go on with your marriage. I think these are the situations where God shows up, when he knows that we are about to give up. I suggest that you keep being a godly wife even though it seems very hard. I read this verse one day and I think it will be of much use for you. God bless you Maryh ! “Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct.” 1 Peter 3:1-2 ESV bible.com/59/1pe.3.1-2.esv |
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Post by Mary H on May 24, 2016 20:20:42 GMT -5
Thank you all for your prayers & advice. Tony seems to have been softened a bit the past couple days.. But today we had a argument & we ended up talking for a while in the phone & he said he's looking for somewhere else to live & that he won't be leading me on anymore.. That he refuses to let go of his hurt from before we separated. After that he softened a little more & said somethings that showed he's not sure what he wants.. Please pray for the blinders to be removed
Thank you
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Post by Mama2twogirls on May 25, 2016 3:24:00 GMT -5
Hi all! Been a couple months. Remember me? Wife of gambling addict. Oh dear! When the enemy attacks our spouses if we are not careful we will succumb to it as well. Just remember who your battle is with. God loves Tony. I will pray for you to see him through Gods eyes. Honestly I get like this sometimes I just want to end it all and it's usually when I haven't spent enough time in the Word or with too many worldly influences. I forget to put all of the armor of God on. I also need to be mindful of when to engage and when to withdraw and pray. Usually when they are acting like that it is the addict talking and there is no getting through to them in that phase. The time when they soften is the time to engage and express your feelings. I know it's hard. I will be praying for you.
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Post by Mary H on May 25, 2016 6:25:57 GMT -5
Wow! Nev ... Your prayer worked! I woke up a hour ago with so much love for Tony.. I felt strongly that God was giving me His heart for him.. Your so very right.. I haven't been prioritizing God right because I feel so abused by Tony, that I've been a lot more focused on the pain & sort of avoiding God. The past couple days I've been really trying to keep my focus on Jesus a lot more. I make myself say "Lord, Your in control. I trust You." , each morning. It's proven to be a lot harder to say then I thought!
Today as I woke up with this love & sadness for Tony, I called him while he was on his way to work. He was really agitated & didn't want to talk. He said that he doesn't believe me when I said I love him.. That it will change & I will be wanting to separate again.. I had no idea he even cared when I asked him if he wants to move out! He constanly rejects me & says he wants nothing to do with me so it shocking to me that he's hurt by my withdrawing a bit. He actually thinks I'm seeing someone else.. He said when he woke up the from door was cracked open & he thinks I snuck out to be with someone! Wow! The enemy sure is trying but Jesus is so much stronger! Thank you for your prayers & sharing wisdom. I'll be praying for you too
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Post by Sharon on May 25, 2016 8:04:07 GMT -5
Thank you God. It's amazing that he was able to show you Tony through His eyes! Something that really helps me with the forgiveness and the being loving even when he is cruel is remembering that this is "not my husband", but this is the enemy using my husband as a tool. I think of my husband as a weapon in the battle just like I am a weapon in the battle too. Just because the enemy is holding my husband and using him to shoot at my Lord (and me since I am on the side of God), doesn't mean that my husband is attacking me. It means the enemy, through my husband, is attacking God. This is God's battle to fight and He is stronger than the enemy, so use me Lord for your fight. By the way, we have to remember that although the devil has some liberties, he is NOT omnipresent, so the Lord our God the most high and powerful is battling a lowly minion of the enemy to rescue our husbands. I know that we will win and I know the enemy will drop his weapon and God will pick it up. I don't have to hate my husband. I have to love and feel sorry for him, because he is blind and fighting on the losing side.
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