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Today
Apr 24, 2016 18:08:01 GMT -5
Post by Sharon on Apr 24, 2016 18:08:01 GMT -5
Chris left his phone and went downstairs to do homework. I shouldn't have been snooping again. I swear I do this to myself, but I found a message from him today to his girlfriend from Korea. He stopped talking to her last year after he got home. She seemed pissed at first and didn't want to talk to him, but when he didn't respond to her message, she started acting nicer. He was just talking general friend stuff...nothing inappropriate, but it stung me so deep. He said he wouldn't talk to her again. He's been doing so good recently. I know every now and again he's going to have a relapse, because he is human, but I guess I was expecting it to be him sending random pics again. I didn't think it was going to be missing his girlfriend. I just feel so numb and miserable right now. Please pray for me friends. I haven't said anything to him and don't intend to. I don't have anything nice I could say, and I know my mind needs to stay focused on God, not on Chris. I guess it just stings so deep because I think he really did like her, he wasn't just using her for sex like he was with all of the other affairs. He deleted pics off his computer of the other girls, but not this one. Like he misses her. It just digs really deep. I'm going to avoid him today, because I don't think I can be around him without getting angry or upset.
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Post by Adrienne on Apr 24, 2016 18:39:59 GMT -5
Sharon, I'm sorry to hear this; I know it has got to be very painful. I'm glad at least it's nothing inappropriate. I wonder if the reality is that he doesn't exactly miss her, rather he misses the feeling he had of being in a more casual relationship in a different place. I think that our wayward spouses idealize these extramarital affairs because of the "fun" feeling they get with being with someone new without pressures of parenthood, job, etc.
Either way, I know it hurts, and I will be praying for you both.
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Post by Sharon on Apr 24, 2016 18:47:34 GMT -5
Adrienne thank you. That is incredibly comforting. I am being stubborn for God today. I just wrote this in my prayer journal, but I feel so much better praying this.
"Lord, my faith is shaken today. My heart is pounding out of my chest. I knew Chris would have moments of falling back into sin and that the war isn't won yet. I just was not expecting this. I was not expecting him to contact her. Lord, help me! I don't want my joy stolen. The enemy tempted him. He fell to temptation. Then the enemy entice me to learn about it. NO GOD! I REJECT THE ENEMY IN YOUR NAME! He will not have a victory over me today! God come to me now. Be my shield of faith. Protect me from the evil one. I can't keep letting Chris's actions determine my life. YOU determine my path Lord. You never have hurt me or abandoned me!"
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Today
Apr 24, 2016 21:14:26 GMT -5
Post by Sharon on Apr 24, 2016 21:14:26 GMT -5
Chris realized I had read the message when he got on his phone, so he came to tell me that she'd texted him. I told him I knew he texted her and he immediately went to try to prove me wrong. I told him I didn't believe him, but it didn't matter anyways. He said well he's just telling me, because he wants to know if I don't want him to talk to her anymore. I told him that I told him last year I didn't want him to talk to her anymore and he said okay fine and started to storm away. I yelled at him to come back and said that I don't want to fight with him. He said that this is the same thing I always do, where I get angry at him for something that's out of his control and he stormed off downstairs. I went downstairs and started to tell him he's better then this and he is the head of our house and he has to make decisions for the best of himself and our family, but he got hyped and angry, that I always say this crap, and I said hang on. We need to stop talking and we need to pray, and I just prayed that God would help his words come from our mouths, that he would dispel the anger and the sadness in the house and just give us peace, so that we can have a real conversation. I told him I don't understand why he messaged her, and he insisted again that she messaged him and he just responded. He said that's why he asked if I was okay with him talking to her, instead of just doing it. I said okay, well I appreciate that, because in the past if I had asked him to stop talking to her, he would have told me to just mind my own business and done it regardless of my feelings. I left and went upstairs and prayed, then went back down and told him I was sorry, thank you for telling me the truth, and that I love him. I'm still hurt. He's lying. He asked if he could talk to her again. I just don't want to see him fall into the enemies traps again. I guess I am doing the same thing, by fighting instead of sitting back and being gracious and forgiving. I'm just so tired. It's so good for a while then it's so awful.
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Post by wendyp67 on Apr 24, 2016 21:23:57 GMT -5
Remember how the wife handled the situation in War Room and how the elder lady told her th it was God's job to work on her husband. I do the same thing. Wanting to fix but it won't work. I feel for you. Chris still talks with the ow, they work at the same place. It hurts deep in my heart but he has to surrender by himself not because I bring him to it.
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Post by Adrienne on Apr 24, 2016 22:02:59 GMT -5
Sharon, again, I'm sorry for this hurt. I really admire you for seeking prayer and God's guidance in the midst of the argument and trying to express that desire to be right with God even in the midst of the conflict to Chris. I know that right now he's angry and being extra influenced by the enemy so he can't appreciate it, but I know one day he will. I pray you can continually model that desire to seek God and do right by God to Chris... I KNOW God is using you to teach Chris!!!
One thought that I had is that maybe you can explain to Chris WHY it's so hurtful for you for him to be in contact with this woman. Maybe try and reflect on why exactly it hurts, and make a list of clearly expressed reasons from different angles, then go through that and explain it to him.
The reason why I suggest this is because I actually did this several weeks / a couple months ago with G to explain why I didn't agree with him that extramarital affairs are "no big deal." (His honest words on the topic!!!) I started off with the Christian/biblical perspective but since he's decided that he doesn't agree with that aspect of the Bible anymore, it didn't phase him. But when I talked about how for women, sex and emotions are tied together, and thus he's causing pain to this other woman as well as to me, it started getting to him a bit more. I felt like he was able to understand more of my side of things, but to get there, I had to explain it very clearly and from multiple perspectives... physical/health (chance of STDs, etc.), emotions of the OW and me, how the enemy could use this to create further discord, etc.
However, ultimately... we all know... we have to express our biblical perspective and our opinions and beliefs to our spouses. And then, the hard part - we have to step back (in love) and pray and let them make their own choices.
I know it's so hard. But I know you can do it... you have said it yourself: eyes on God. I will be praying for strength and PEACE. And don't let the enemy lie to you because we know he screams "defeat" but our God boldly declares "VICTORY" and we have to choose to listen to that voice of truth!!!
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Post by Sharon on Apr 25, 2016 1:04:12 GMT -5
Amen, Thank you sisters! You are so wise!
I got out of bed just now because I've been praying and couldn't sleep. After the whole fight, I came upstairs and put War Room on in my bedroom. Chris came up a few minutes later and actually watched most of it with me. I love that it shows things from both the husband and the wives side. At some point in the movie, Chris said "Well at least I don't steal things" and I just smiled at him and said "You're a good man". I really meant it too. He also said something when Elizabeth was giving money to her sister about that we are going to be blessed for our giving. We had bought lunch and brought it to a homeless lady earlier in the day. I think God has been speaking to him a lot recently about giving money and tithe to the church and to people. I know money has been one of his idols, and I'm grateful to God that he is working on that.
I know today that Chris initiated the contact. I don't know why. I don't need to know why. God knows. He knows Chris's heart. He sees the conflict there and He knows how to make it right. Okay, so I missed out on an opportunity today - when Chris told me she texted him, I should have said "Thank you for telling me the truth" right then and there, but God gave me another chance later on in the night to make it right and we got to watch this movie together. Thank you God for your patience with me. Thank you for giving me chance after chance after chance to do the right thing. Thank you for giving me a desire to do it.
It actually reminded me of this beautiful song we sang at church today (our worship leader wrote it). I can't remember the lines exactly, but it was something like "I don't want to give you anything that didn't cost me anything." I just love that. I have a sticky note here on my wall that says "God does not bless what we own. He blesses what we have given him". I have to keep giving up and surrendering Chris again and again to God. It is so hard. I want to be in control. But I would rather have a spirit filled husband, then control. Please keep praying friends and thanks for listening to all my rants today. I am going to stay up praying for you all tonight.
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Post by leandro on Apr 25, 2016 8:49:17 GMT -5
Sharon, you are a very strong woman and I admire your boldness and sacrifice for your family. I found this verse once and I think you should pray over it for your husband, as you say this is our sword to fight against the enemy so why not use it. This is verse is in the book of Hosea. I will keep praying and please let God keep using you in our Stand.
“She shall pursue her lovers but not overtake them, and she shall seek them but shall not find them. Then she shall say, 'I will go and return to my first husband, for it was better for me then than now.'”
Hosea 2:7 ESV
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Post by Sharon on Apr 25, 2016 12:49:21 GMT -5
Thank you so much for that verse. I've been fighting hard today, because I really am sad and angry and want to relapse into victim mentality, but I know I have to stay focused on God. That verse is perfect, come back to my first husband my Lord.
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Post by Sharon on Apr 25, 2016 13:56:42 GMT -5
Please keep praying today. My bitterness and anger and sadness is all just boiling up. I need this gone before I can go home today. I have to be good when I get back there or I'm going to cause problems again, but right now I just can't help myself at all. I have so much hatred.
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Post by Adrienne on Apr 25, 2016 14:56:29 GMT -5
Sharon I am praying for you. I understand the feeling, I have been there. My best strategy is to redirect this feeling somehow. Pray.. But not about feeling angry, rather in praise and gratitude. When you get home, focus on the kids or on housework.. Stay busy and try to redirect every negative thought into praise and gratitude to God! I know it is hard but sometimes we just have to try and push through in the faith that God is there backing us up if we just keep fighting. I don't know if any of that will help, but I am praying for and with you, sister.
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Today
Apr 25, 2016 17:37:14 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by marissaa91 on Apr 25, 2016 17:37:14 GMT -5
I understand Sharon. I went through the same thing last week, except it wasn't really a conversation they had. He just sent a screenshot of something his cousin did.
It was hard an overwhelming. I had so many emotions. But the Lord has been working on me with how I communicate with him. Well what worked for me is a note in his lunch (stating that I saw the text and then ending with positive things about him and a scripture). And then at 1am the next night when I was overwhelmed I sent him a text even though he was sleeping next to me. Because I could take my time expressing how I felt while the holy spirit told me how to write it. It helped me sleep and the next day we had a talk about it calmly and it was done.
I'm not sure if that would work for you or not but what I am saying is maybe ask him how he would prefer you communicate to him when something bothers you. Coming up strategies like that have made a difference the last few times for us. Also keep in prayer and trusting that God is working in both of you. We want perfection so quickly but we forget that it never works that way. But God is still there so don't give in to hurt.
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Today
Apr 26, 2016 19:16:27 GMT -5
Post by Sharon on Apr 26, 2016 19:16:27 GMT -5
Marissa that is a really good idea. I need to find a better way of communication with him for sure. I went to him today and told him that I was worried about him and I shouldn't have said it like that, because he blew up yelling, before I had a chance to explain myself. He told me I don't listen and that it was over, that he's not speaking to her, and I shouldn't worry about it. I told him that what he does is his business, but as his sister in Christ, I have to point out that this is the enemy creeping in and trying to tempt him, when he has been doing so good in staying on God's path recently. He said I think he is stupid and that he doesn't know this already and I told him he'd asked me to help him when I know it is God speaking, so that's why I said what I said. He said that I just told him he could talk to her, so why am I bothering him about this anyways, and I got angry and said no, I never said he could talk to her and stop putting words in my mouth. What I said was what he does is his business and his consequence, but I can't honestly understand why he would want to speak to someone, when they have no interest of his well being in mind. When the enemy is obviously using them to try to tear down our marriage and our family instead of benefit him in any way and it doesn't really make sense. He said it doesn't have to make sense and that he's not speaking to her so don't worry about it. To go pray and get myself right with God before I talk to him. I told him I am going to go pray more, but I want him to know that I am proud and I do see how far he is going towards God and I am praying as his sister in Christ, not as his wife, that he would keep down that path. That God will continue to bless him, not just us as a couple, but him personally if he can stay on that path. I don't know...overall it was a crappy conversation and I honestly wish we could have done it over email or text. He doesn't read half the texts I send to him (if it's anything over about 20 words, he skims it at best). And I have written letters before too that he also doesn't read. I don't really know how to communicate with him anymore. Maybe we should start seeing a counselor again.
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Post by Adrienne on Apr 26, 2016 21:18:16 GMT -5
Sharon I will be praying for you two to find better ways to communicate.
This is something that G and I have struggled with as well. We both have to make an effort to stay calm - him not to yell and me not to cry. Sometimes it helps when we have tough conversations if I verbalize my mental process: "Give me just a moment, I'm trying to pull my emotions together and make sure I make sense." or "Hang on, I"m going to answer you but I'm still thinking and I want to say it right." or "I'm not sure I understand what you mean by that, can you please explain in a different way because I don't want to misunderstand you."
And try not to get too down on this negative conversation. Keep praying and you can try again sometime soon, hopefully with both of you approaching it in a calmer mindset.
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Today
Apr 26, 2016 21:27:55 GMT -5
Post by Sharon on Apr 26, 2016 21:27:55 GMT -5
I really haven't been standing out of the way recently and God really pressed that on me today. I shouldn't have tried to talk to him again. I have to stop talking really. Chris has to work on his own relationship with God, and he's right. He's not stupid. He knows when he shouldn't be doing something. I can't always try to jump in and tell him what he already knows. I am getting out of the way again. I love Chris and I wish that things could just be perfect, but I have to work on my time with God and Chris has to work on his.
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