Kridycat aka Kristi

I'm about to go to bed by my husband and I were just having an agruement/discussion over our divorce. He is threatening not to pay the mortgage and other bills until we have the settlement ready to sell the house. I told him I have the required information his lawyer asked for from my lawyer. So now we have to wait for the lawyers to go over everything and he is getting impatient about it. We then talked about other things and I asked if he still loved me and he said that a part of him does and will always. He still says he is done with our marriage. I found out when I saw my lawyer that I could leave and not pay for anymore house stuff, but I am not ready to leave and plus I feel like if I did he would just do what he is threatening to do now and not pay for the house. I am trying to keep trusting God, but it is very trying at times. I really just want to get this all over with at this point. I know I am not ready for it to be all over.

Kristi, it's human to want the fighting to stop, even if it isn't the answer you want. Let me urge you to fight that thought. God, led you to find our group and I have a feeling you know this too. We may not understand why things are happening like they are, but remember, God is seeing all this from a different perspective than we are.

How often do we punch in an address to somewhere new on our GPS, or our smartphone to get directions. We follow that robotic voice turn for turn, until we get to our destination. It can be so easy to have so much faith in technology, because we can see the route it is trying to take us. The hard part here is we can't see the next step, the next turn. We have to get guidance for each leg of the journey, one at a time. I think part of that is God's way of not overwhelming us. Giving us only the step we can handle for right this moment. I remember trying to put together a model car when I was a kid. Soooo many little pieces.... I never did finish that model. It just had too many steps, too many parts. But now, I love putting together 1000 piece jigsaw puzzles. It's a challenge, but I can see the picture on the box, I know the expected outcome. In our stand, not knowing the outcome can be a tough pill to swallow on its own.

I feel like I have had a text version of adhd, kind of bouncing around from analogys and topics. Bottom line, continue to trust God, and give the cares and burdens you are holding over to him.

IT hurts, but I had to ask him if he still loved me and he couldn't real give me an answer. He could only say that a part of him will always love me. I'm just not sure how much he loves me right now, but with all the hate, anger and pride he is holding on to I don't think he can clearly know. He told me last night he wants to leave and move far away. It's like he doesn't want to deal with anything instead he just wants to run away. In the end, you can never run away from your problems as they will always be there. He needs to face his own demons and get the help he needs. I told him I just want him to get better and this time he tells me he is not planning on seeing a counselor to deal with his anger issues. He was trying to blame it all on me why he is the way he is right now and I know this is not true. I looked back at our conversation thru the morning while I was getting ready for work and driving to work. I am just trying to get a clear picture of my situation. I know he can't do most of what he is threatening to do as it is already in writing that the lawyers have. He just wants to rush things and I told him how am I suppose to know what I need to do? I give whatever information I needed to my lawyer and things take time. Does he think I don't want this situation over with? At this point I do too. All of the mental and emotional exhaustion in doing this has been taking its toll. I guess we are both still hurting, I just wish he would see what really happened that day he decided he didn't want to be married to me anymore. He still has not faced the truth of what happened that day, just his distorted perception of it. No matter how many times I tell him what really happened he still cannot see it. He just let anger overtake him. I still cannot fully understand why he decided our marriage is not worth saving. The only thing that makes any sense is his anger, hate and pride has overtaken him. I have tried so many times to see things his way, but I cannot. There are times I just want to talk to someone and I don't because I don't want to burden everyone. It's hard for me because we both still live in the same house, but we both work so much we don't really see each other. I am just trying to figure out what I need to do right now. I'm still trying to figure it out.

I am working on letting God take my burdens and provide for me. I have been praying for everyone. I know what I would like to happen and I do worry about what the future holds in store. I am praying God can help me find a place to live when it is time and to help me with the current threats my husband has made. I am also trying not to run myself down from working so much. I was at my church's mother-daughter banquet last night as my pastor's wife always invites me since my parents live just over an hour away from me. The guest speakers/singers were amazing. I think it was called when the bridegroom cometh. They compare a traditional Jewish wedding from over 2000 years ago with God and the sacrifice of his son. It was very interesting perspective and insightful. I know I have to take things day by day. I just want to get thru each day. I wish my husband could just feel God's love for him and see the truth in front of him rather than the lies shown in his mind.

It's weird. Last night I come home from my second job and my husband was doing something with his truck which was in the way of the spot I always park my car. I rolled down my window and he said he needed to drop the car off at the local mulch/quarry place to get stone for the driveway. So I said so I need to go with you so I can take you home. He responded yes unless he needs to walk back in which he would not be happy. He said I had a few minutes as he was checking the tire pressure and filling them if need be. I went into the house to put the stuff I bought down. I put the dog in the back seat and just sat in the front seat waiting for a few minutes. Then before he got into the car he wanted to check my headlights. Apparently one is low beam and one is a high beam light. I let him know my dad had changed the one light a few months ago when he noticed it was out. He said when one goes out its best to change both lights as the other will go out shortly after which could be 6 months. Once we got home he went back to whatever stuff he was doing on his work laptop for work and watching TV. I said good night and let him know I was going to bed, which I usually do. He didn't say anything back which is pretty usually at this point. It's like a few days ago he was being nasty and now he is being nice. Sometimes I think he is bipolar or something. I just feel really tired today and I have to work both jobs again. I keep thinking I just need to get thru today. Tomorrow I took off from my full time job as I need to use up my vacation days before I lose them, but I have to work my part-time job in the evening. I plan on sleeping in and doing some yoga, then embark on the day. I am trying to take it one day at a time. I'm trying not to worry about things and let God provide, even through I know a part of me inside is still worrying about everything. I'm so tired of the emotional turmoil, the anxiety/panic attacks I get occasionally and depression. There are times I just want to talk to my husband, but I don't know what to say. I want answers from him about why he is doing this, but I don't think he really knows. He will say something that makes no sense at all and the only thing I can think of is anger, hatred and pride. These feelings are not toward me directly, but some of my family especially his best friend from middle/high school who is about to no longer be my brother-in-law as he is divorcing my sister. So why continue with divorcing me? No real answer just some made up nonsense. It's like there is something in his brain that just isn't processing correctly. I want to help him, but I know I can't. He has to want to get the help he needs on his own, which now he plans on not getting. It makes me feel helpless. I don't think he sees how much I really love or care about him right now. I'm doing everything I can, but it never feels like it's enough.

Have not been on in awhile. I have been working like crazy. I am finally going to have a day all to myself this Monday and I'm super excited. I got a concussion and was dealing with that on top of everything else so it's been a bit crazy for me. I think I am really building emotionally. I feel like I'm crying less, but still having times where I feel down and alone. The worst thing is not knowing what tomorrow is going to bring. I just have to let go and let God take the wheel.